If you’d like to see Lindsay Lohan’s side boob, please make an appointment. There will be showings today at 9 a.m., 11 a.m., 3 p.m., 6 p.m. and a final showing at 10 p.m. where there will be fireworks and lemonade.

Ricky Martin yesterday became father to twin boys through a surrogate mother.

“The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky’s full-time care,” said the statement. “Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children.”

It’s funny when they say Ricky will spend the next year out of the spotlight. The AP probably gave his reps a funny look and asked, “Ricky who? Oh, him. Isn’t he gay?!” Anyway, isn’t he gay? My magic 8-ball says, “All signs point to yes.”

Here’s Megan Fox attempting to seduce me while on set of Transformers 2. *Rolls eyes* I know your game Megan and I don’t think the producers appreciate you spending valuable studio time lusting over me. In fact, I think we should see other people. I’d say it’s not you, it’s me, but that would be a lie. The truth is I can’t take this anymore. You’re too clingy. I feel I’m being stifled. I need to be free like a beautiful butterfly. Free to suck nectar from the teat of other beautiful butterflies. For that is the way of the butterfly.

The drunken Hamburgler known as David Hasselhoff, in a very vain attempt at jumping on the social network bandwagon, has created a brand new social networking site centered around him called HoffSpace. Now you can interact with people around the world who are just as deranged as you. On his site, David explains the impetus for this tragic mistake:

In my travels round the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me… So I decided to start a network where people from across the world might come together and get a conversation started over me. Where it will lead, I don’t know but the world would be a better place if everyone talked a little more to each other…

So here is HoffSpace. There are videos and photos of the adventures of my life (THAT NO ONE ELSE GETS TO SEE) and also from the lives of other members. Read the discussions or start a forum on a topic that interests you.

David boasts that the site already has 13,424 members. These lucky few will not only have access to the video of The Hoff after a night of drinking, but they’ll also have access to other David Hasselhoff classics such as The Hoff ruins Christmas, The Hoff drinks while driving, The Hoff plays quarters with Lindsay Lohan and my personal favorite, The Hoff makes a vodka cheeseburger shake and finds out it’s not as tasty as he imagined.

Audrey Tautou is in Italy on vacation and like the other celebs, is dawdling at the beach. Her bikini really highlights how sickly and frail she is. Like her muscles have atrophied to the point where they can no longer support the rest of her body and at any moment, she’ll collapse into a puddle of human flesh and powdered bone. Of course, this also manages to describe the perfect woman. They put up less of a struggle when they’re like this.