Penelope Cruz is in St. Barts

penelope cruz bikini 09

It’s nice to see that when Winter rolls in, Penelope Cruz can use her amassed wealth to escape from the treacherous cold to a warmer, much more exotic local to sunbathe in. It’s almost as if she’s mocking us common people. To that I say, so what? You may be in St. Barts enjoying a carefree life, but I have a microwave in which I can heat water with to enjoy many manufactured packets of hot cocoa. Your life’s not so great now, is it?

Published on December 8th, 2008 in Penelope Cruz

Woody Allen is humorless

Source: theblemish.com

Did I say humorless? I meant humorful. Is that a word? I don’t think so because it’s being underlined in red. I’ll have to look that up. Anyway, in an effort to generate more publicity for his new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen wrote a fake production diary for The New York Times. He touches on various subjects including, but not limited to, Javier Bardem’s need for direction, flirting with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz and a three-some which almost became a four-some, but turned back into a three-some.

JUNE 15

Work finally under way. Shot a torrid love scene today between Scarlett and Javier. If this were a scant few years ago, I would have played Javier’s part. When I mentioned that to Scarlett, she said, “Uh-huh,” with an enigmatic intonation. Scarlett came late to the set. I lectured her rather sternly, explaining I do not tolerate tardiness from my cast. She listened respectfully, although as I spoke I thought I noticed her turning up her iPod.

AUG. 20

Made love with Scarlett and Penélope simultaneously in an effort to keep them happy. Ménage gave me great idea for the climax of the movie. Rebecca kept pounding on the door, and I finally let her in, but those Spanish beds are too small to handle four, and when she joined, I kept getting bounced to the floor.

Woody Allen is 98 years old and had this diary not been filled with self-deprecating humor, it would have turned creepy really quick like that one time my parents left me alone with some old guy who kept giggling and asking if I wanted a lolli. Dude, I’m nine. I’m over lollis. But if you have a ring pop…

Published on August 27th, 2008 in Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen

Still hot

Source: theblemish.com

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz star in Woody Allen’s new comedy Vicky Cristina Barcelona and I don’t know the synopsis or anything, but Scarlett and Penelope have a make-out scene which is more than enough reason to go see it. And since the movie is opening soon, here’s Scarlett promoting it.

When they shot the scene, “there were like 60 crewmen [sitting around] eating salami sandwiches!” Johansson said at the movie’s Los Angeles premiere Monday. “It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine!”

Besides, she added, “these characters are in love with each other! Oh my gosh! People are so conservative!”

Tsk tsk. Those are very poor promotional skills Scarlett. You should have said, “At first I wasn’t into it, but when our pouty lips touched, we felt a surge of excitement rush through our bodies and we just had to stick our tongues down each other’s throats. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.” You would have had me at pouty. By the time you got to the tongue thing, my boner would have torn through my pants. Alas, you said something about being surrounded by a bunch of men and salami sandwiches, which isn’t that bad since there’s a joke in there somewhere. It’s just… I couldn’t find it and I don’t think I want to.

Published on August 5th, 2008 in Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson

Penelope Cruz has a lot of time

Source: theblemish.com

Penelope Cruz

Penelope Cruz has done nothing this year besides traipse around the beach in a bikini, tanning her already perfectly golden body, teasing me with her pouty lips. And that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t expect her to be nominated for an Oscar. Unless, she shows some boob. In which case, we can talk about it. Over dinner perhaps?

Published on May 27th, 2008 in Penelope Cruz

Penelope Cruz has more than one bikini

Source: theblemish.com

Penelope Cruz

The best part about being a paparazzi is you get to take pictures of celebrities like Penelope Cruz in their bikinis from 100 yards away and write it off as a business expense. If you’re a regular Joe like me, you’re charged with the class 5 felony of stalking and given a long-winded speech by a blowhard judge. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I need to learn to hide in bushes better.

Published on May 1st, 2008 in Penelope Cruz

Cruz and Bardem to marry

Source: theblemish.com

Penelope Cruz

I’m not sure why you’d care, but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planning to marry. The National Enquirer said his mom told him to do it.

“Pilar took her son aside and told him, ‘What’s the matter with you? She’s perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.’”

The foundation for a happy marriage always begins with your mom talking you into it. The next step is having your mom in your hotel suite on your wedding night telling you you’re “doing everything wrong” and that you’re “supposed to go like this,” while simultaneously making a hole with one hand and thrusting her index finger from the other hand in and out of it. Your wife will see family means a lot to you and will love you even more. That or she’ll freak out and run away like a cougar was chasing her.

Published on April 11th, 2008 in Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz

Penelope Cruz does the bikini thing

Source: theblemish.com

Penelope Cruz

Penelope Cruz hung out with Javier Bardem in France over Easter weekend. She in her bikini, he in his trunks. They made out on the balcony and relaxed in sun chairs lazily reading side by side. Later, they probably ordered room service which they put on their black AMEX card. After a lavish meal of oysters, caviar and chocolate covered strawberries, they most likely finished the night with mind blowing sex; their naked bodies collapsing on a bed made of crumpled $100 bills and the fur of endangered pandas. Of course, I only tell you this to remind you that your life isn’t nearly as fantastic as theirs. Loser.

Published on March 26th, 2008 in Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz

Yummy couple Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz are getting serious

Source: www.celebitchy.com

Penelope Cruz has dated some of the most famous leading men in Hollywood, including Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey, but has somehow managed to escape settling down with any of them for too long. Now, sources say her under-the-radar romance with recent Oscar winning actor Javier Bardem is really heating up. The couple met while filming a Woody Allen movie together last summer. They were photographed back in October taking a romantic vacation together, and have been occasionally snapped by paparazzi walking together, but neither of them will comment on the relationship. Since Javier’s career exploded after his star-making performance in “No Country For Old Men,” the couple have had to work a lot harder to keep their relationship under wraps.

Penelope Cruz doesn’t want to publicly show off her relationship with Javier Bardem, but he’s showing her off to his family. Cruz, who was snapped with Bardem’s mom after the Oscars, threw a private party for her trophy-toting beau at Villa on Sunday night. Bardem’s family flew in from Spain to meet Cruz and partied with the couple – along with the Oscar-winning Coen brothers – at the West Hollywood hot spot. One onlooker told us, “He took Penelope for a spin on the dance floor in front of all his family. It’s getting pretty serious.”

[From Page Six]

Friends say Penelope is the one who is trying maintain privacy, after her previous relationships with Cruise and McConaughey were splashed across tabloids and ended so publicly. Penelope and Javier both attended the Oscars this year, but walked the red carpet separately- Javier told interviewers his date for the evening was his mom. The next day, photos emerged of Penelope and Javier trying to sneak away after the ceremony in the same car.

Penelope doesn’t have much of a long-term track record, but I am rooting for this couple. They are just gorgeous, and they both have that exotic flavor in common. I bet they’d have adorable babies.

Note by Celebitchy: Here’s Penelope Cruz out with Javier Bardem’s mom after the Oscars. When I saw these pictures I thought “Wait until she marries that guy, she’ll be fighting with his mom in no time.”