Source: theblemish.com

The public has added another example of John Mayer’s douchebaggery to their growing file. Mayer tells Twitter, the only one who will listen at this point, that he’s amazed at how people hate him for dating their fantasy girl. Wow. Somewhere Jennifer Aniston’s face just lit up. “I’m a fantasy girl?,” she said out loud to herself. No, no you’re not. Mayer just said that to make himself feel better. Mayer continued:

“Let’s hammer this out today. Long before “douches” and “famewhores” there were these people called “showbiz types.”"

“”Showbiz types” are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet.”

“Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much.”

“So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry.”

“I’m a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!! (of 1,090,466, seventeen stand and applaud wildly)”

Whatever, d-bag. Saying it won’t make it true. I can say this Hershey’s bar is a stack of $100 bills, but that doesn’t mean I’m delusional enough to go buy a car with it.

[Image: Splash News]

Source: theblemish.com

John Mayer emerged from My House two nights ago with lipstick on his face and kisses over his shirt. He seemed to be promoting a new clothing line he created called Douchebag Wear. But that wasn’t enough. Determined to raise his level of douchiness, he started dancing outside of the club while people around him sang “Man in the Mirror.”

Today, the CDC claims to have been able to contain Mayer’s douchiness saying that what was an initial 85% level of douche contamination has leveled off to 1% with only a hint of vinegar lingering in the air.

Source: theblemish.com

It’s a miracle John Mayer gets any women at all. He’s a 6ft something douche who writes shitty music, a lumbering retard if you will. Not only that, but he’s also super creepy. Jessie James was on WFAN Sports Radio telling a story about how she met Mayer and why she thinks he’s a douche.

“He had someone send for me [from] across the room,” James related. “He had a bunch of girls with him and he said, ‘We should [all] go back to my apartment.’ ” She said Mayer left first to avoid the paparazzi, and when they got to Mayer’s apartment, “We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, ‘I need some taxi money, I’m gonna go home now.’ ” Mayer asked James for her number and she gave it to him before leaving. She recalled, “He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room,” leaving messages like, “Let me tuck you in. I want to see you.”

Wow. Was he going to come over and kill her too? And then preserve her, dress her up and dance with her lifeless body under the moonlight every year on the day he murdered her? Because that’s what it sounded like he wanted to do.

Source: theblemish.com

John Mayer finally ran out of stories about Jennifer Aniston to feed the press with. Consequently, he’s moved onto greener, younger, less saggy pastures. Mayer is said to be dating Scheana Marie Jancan, an aspiring actress and someone who’d probably love to use John Mayer the same way John Mayer used Jennifer Aniston thus continuing the chain of fame leeching.

Currently, Scheana, 24 in May, works at The Grand Havana Room. She was serving drinks when John’s penis honed in on her like a scud missile.

“Scheana was shocked and thrilled when John asked her out,” a source tells Star. “She has always thought he was hot, and she said yes right away, writing down her cell phone number on a napkin. They flirted the whole time, and he told her she was cute.”

The gorgeous brunette, who has modeled for Ed Hardy and Doritos and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant, has been hanging out with the singer at his rented home in Calabasas, Calif.

I’m sure girls must be real thrilled when this lumbering cro-magnon asks them out. I can only imagine the conversation goes something like: “Me John. You pretty. Hur hur hur. You come with me,” and ends with him dragging the girl off to his Mayer cave.

Source: theblemish.com

I think John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are broken up. Truthfully, I haven’t been following this. She’s ugly and he’s a annoying so why would I? But judging by this new report by the National Enquirer, I assume they’re broken up for good.

NE says that John Mayer can’t stop talking about Jennifer. Most likely because he thinks dropping her name makes him famous by association and acts as catnip for the ladies even though it actually makes him a douche bag.

“John’s been recording in a studio and coming on to almost every woman in the vicinity,” a close source told The ENQUIRER.

“He goes on and on to these women about how clingy and needy Jen is. He says that when they got back together after their first breakup last August, it was agreed she would back off on the smothering.

“When someone tries to change the subject, he goes back to Jennifer, claiming she was so emotionally dependent and demanding that he couldn’t take it.”

What a catch. Complaining about your ex really turns women on. Other things that turn women on: telling them they’re fat, pushing them into a puddle and asking them to make you a sandwich. I found these out as I thumbed through John Mayer’s book titled “Things That Turn Women On According to the Delusional Mind of John Mayer.”

Source: theblemish.com

John Mayer was aboard the Mayercraft Cruise Liner in Long Beach the other day where he busted out his Big Gay Skipper outfit in order to attention whore above deck. Last year, he paraded around the inaugural cruise in a Borat costume. Sadly, we won’t find out what he’s going to wear tomorrow because if all goes according to plan, he’ll be pushed overboard into the ocean where I’ll have already chummed for sharks.

Source: theblemish.com

John Mayer, the man who updates his Twitter 20+ times a day and whose girlfriend dumped him because of it, thinks Twitter is silly and dumb. He says he only uses the 140 character blogging service because all the cool kids are doing it.

“If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well…It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop.”

I’ve always communicated at a high level as best I can whether it’s Twitter, Napster or message boards or wherever,” Mayer said. “I don’t have a devotion to Twitter. I didn’t sell out to Twitter. You do Twitter until everybody gets off of Twitter and it’s something else you go and try out.”

This is true. Just look at some high level tweets John Mayer has posted:

I’m nice enough but I ramble on and on and on and on. And I blink a lot. And hard. Hard blinking, like full face blinking.

And

Okay, the XOXO was a little too unisex for me. For the ladies: XOXO. For the men: sweet, brah.

John Mayer’s Twitter is a door to adventure and excitement! Seriously. Has anybody told John Mayer he’s a douchebag yet? I mean, on Twitter? Someone really should. That way we’ll have finally called him that through every possible medium: real life, e-mail, blogs, telepathy. If anyone knows someone that’s about to die, can you tell them to haunt Mayer from beyond the grave and call him a douchebag too? I just want to have all our bases covered.

Source: theblemish.com

Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer because he twittered too much. That’s the news coming from Star (via Telegraph). Friends of Aniston say Mayer spent hours on Twitter despite telling Aniston he was busy with work.

“John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her emails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say: ‘I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back.”

The source added: “Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates.

“Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’.” 

It’s simple. Jennifer is boring and Mayer was only using her for publicity. He didn’t want to actually spend time with her. That would be asking too much. Hanging out with Aniston must feel like slow death. You can probably feel a piece of you die every time she opens her mouth. By the time you finish a conversation with her, you’ll look like one of those mummies that archaeologists discover.

Source: theblemish.com

There is no AI conspiracy: Yesterday, Alexis Grace was kicked off the show. Thus, disproving the rumors that AI is rigged. Unless they wanted to throw us off. Those sneaky devils. P.S. The hot one made it through.

More Heath Ledger material coming out: Indie rock group Modest Mouse plans to release the last video directed by Heath Ledger for their single, King Rat. It’s about a rat who becomes king or it could be not related to rats at all. I don’t know. What do I look like, an encyclopedia?

It’s not Kanye’s fault: A group called STOParazzi claims it was the photog’s fault that Kanye grabbed his camera and smashed it to the ground on September 11 of last year. They reason that celebrities no longer have privacy due to a mysterious man known as “The Party Crasher” who illegally sells private passenger manifests to outlets like TMZ. They vow to take down this “Party Crasher” turning the tables and making it his party that will be crashed. Muahaha. Muahahahaha.

John Mayer’s penis fell asleep: John Mayer has male genitalia?

Tom Sizemore is a master thief: Tom Sizemore stole a bunch of cell phones from a Verizon Wireless store in LA last week. To add insult to injury, he also made off with a pen and highlighter. He is now being investigated by the LAPD. Until then, the score is Tom Sizemore – 1, Verizon Wireless – 0. Eat it VZW.

T.R. Knight can’t drive: T.R. Knight collided with another car as he was going eastbound on Hollywood Blvd. and the other car was going westbound. Knight was protected by his celebrity shield while the passengers in the other car were not as lucky (they weren’t famous). They, a man and woman, were taken to the hospital.

Mask is not at fault: Carl “Mask” Lewis, who died in a car crash last week, was neither drunk nor was he street racing when his Ferrari was hit sending it into a pole and splitting it in half thereby killing him. The other driver in the Porsche, however, might have been doing both (drinking and street racing). Fate is funny that way.

Source: theblemish.com

Since John Mayer hasn’t yet fully exploited his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, he’s going to write a tell-all which would share the “intimate” details of their relationship and will be whoring it out for $10 million. According to Star, John knows “all about her obsessive exercise regime, embarrassing TV viewing habits, devotion to astrology and numerology and has witnessed the actress throw fits!” He also plans to write about that time Jennifer called him “Brad” while they were having sex.

Yea, didn’t you know? Jennifer may still be hung up on Brad Pitt. Brad has moved on with his 9 or 12 children, but Jennifer still believes that one day they’ll be together. It’s written in the stars and the tea leaves in her afternoon tea. Or is that the face of Jesus in her tea? Jen can never tell.