Source: theblemish.com

Early reviews are filtering in for Tom Cruise’s Oscar-hopeful Valkryie and it isn’t looking good. The Bryan Singer directed thriller has been flayed by early viewers who say the film is nothing like a thriller and describes it as “…a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent — though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

Not only that, reviews note “Cruise’s performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs.” For example:

A scene where Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give the infamous “Heil Hitler” salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh,” the source says. “His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Regarding a scene where Cruise removes a false eye, another source adds:

“It was disgusting,” said one person who saw the film. “It was like watching someone pluck their contacts out.”

That one sounds nitpicky. From what’s described, the scene sounds awesome and metaphorical. The fake eye represents John Travolta’s sex toy and the eye socket is Tom Cruise’s anus. Or have I completely read too much into it and it’s just a random scene included for shock value?

Source: theblemish.com

Sigh, Tom. No matter how many suits you dress Katie in or how short you cut her hair it still doesn’t change the fact she doesn’t have a penis. Can you let her grow her hair long again and wear clothing appropriate for women of her stature? Maybe something low-cut? Because this K.D. Lang looks is starting to freak me out.

Source: theblemish.com

The trailer for Tom Cruise’s Valkryie debuted yesterday at midnight. You can see Tom in his epic glory, playing Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, who speaks perfect English while everyone else has a German accent, hunting the most dangerous game of all: Man. Specifically, Hitler. It may sound a lot harder than hunting the homeless like me, but people don’t realize how fast those guys run. Especially if they’re being chased by a man with a bow and arrow, wearing only a loin cloth and war paint. Oh and I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but their plan to take out Hitler fails.

Source: theblemish.com

Katie Holmes made her big stage debut in the Broadway production of All My Sons. Tom Cruise showed up to cheer her on and steal her thunder. When Mr. Big Shot arrived, there was massive applause and before sitting, he “waved and bowed for the audience.” At the end of the show, Tom was the first to get up and give wild applause like his kid scored the winning goal at a soccer game.

Also making an appearance was the group Anonymous who showed up outside the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre to protest Scientology. They sported signs that read “Free Katie,” “Scientology is a cult” and “Scientology can suck my hairy balls.” I might have made that last one up. One demonstrator said:

“We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play - we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

This makes sense. The only thing that can stop a bunch of crazy Scientologists are a bunch of crazy /b/tards. As you can see in the video below, Scientologists staged an anti-protest. They handed out fliers with a few protesters’ real names printed on them, harassed them and one even tried to start an altercation. At least they know how to fight back. Throw in a few “Your mom” jokes and put a dead fish or two in their heating ducts and they’ll have Anonymous cowering in no time.

Source: theblemish.com

Earlier, Variety reported that Angelina Jolie replaced Tom Cruise in Edwin A. Salt, soon to be renamed Edwina A. Salt. In a futile attempt to sway public perception that Tom Cruise isn’t as big of a star as he once was, a mysterious source tied to the film now says Cruise was never locked and, while they did offer him the role, he actually passed.

“This story about Jolie taking over is completely false … this started with an inaccurate report months ago that said (Cruise) was taking the role,” says the source. “They courted him for almost a year for this movie. He considered it but passed.”

Yea, I’m sure he passed. That’s exactly what happened. Just like Cruise passed on the next Mission Impossible movie after Paramount called him too old and too expensive. Similar to how I passed on a date with Marisa Miller after she slapped me in the face. Way too aggressive, I thought. I like my women with less testosterone.

In other Tom Cruise news, MGM has announced a December, 26, 2008 release date for Cruise’s suspense film, Valkyrie, directed by Bryan Singer. The film is a WWII-era thriller about the planned assassination of Hitler. December 26th. Why, that’s the day after Christmas and the middle of Hanukkah. What an unexpected coincidence.

Source: theblemish.com

Angelina Jolie has replaced Tom Cruise as the lead character in Edwin A. Salt. The spy thriller will be rewritten by scribe Kurt Wimmer (of awesome Equilibrium and awful Ultraviolet fame) in order to accommodate the gender change.

Jolie is close to a deal to play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence.

There shouldn’t be a need for too many revisions. All they need to do is change “he” to “she”. And you know that scene where Tom Cruise makes out then sleeps with a smoking hot chick? You can keep that part in.

Source: theblemish.com

Ex-Scientologist, Peter Letterese, has named Tom Cruise in a $250 million federal lawsuit against the Church of Scientology. The suit is using the RICO statute, normally used to break up Mafia families, and claims CoS is a crime syndicate.

In court papers provided to The News by investigator Paul Barresi, Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer’s wife answered, said he was her husband’s homosexual lover.

Barresi, who has done investigative work on behalf of Cruise, tells us: “[Letterese] is just including a celebrity name to get attention.”

He singles out Cruise, who’s made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

I find it interesting that the church resorts to playground tactics to harass people. This multi-million dollar scam operation has the ability to plant a brick of cocaine in people’s houses or kiddie porn on their computers. Yet, instead of doing that, they call wives and tell them they’re their husbands gay lover. I bet the church has a special unit dedicated to putting flaming bags of dog poop on people’s doorsteps, ringing the doorbell and running away and another unit asking people over the phone if their fridge is running and when they answer, “Yes,” they tell them they might want to catch it. So, you better not cross the church, they might put a “kick me” sign on your back.

Source: theblemish.com

Tom Cruise will most likely not be reprising his role as Ethan Hunt in the Mission Impossible series. Slate notes that when Cruise’s people “reached out” to Paramount about doing a fourth installment of the popular franchise, Paramount asked if Cruise would like to produce. Meaning, they don’t want him to star in it. It wasn’t much of an offer either as Cruise’s contract already guaranteed him this right.

This tells us not to read too much into that supposed rapprochement between Cruise and Sumner Redstone. And it suggests that the fighting between Cruise and Paramount studio chief Brad Grey over the deal for M:I3 was a lot more rancorous than we knew at the time. We don’t want to keep you in suspense: Cruise’s answer was no. Our source tells us that Paramount met this with a shrug, since in the not-too-distant future the studio expects that it will be free, contractually, to make the movie without involving Cruise’s production company.

Meanwhile, Slate alleges the side-by-side photo of Tom Cruise and Claus von Stauffenberg, the guy Cruise plays in the upcoming movie Valkryie, have been doctored to make Cruise more closely resemble the German hero.

Apparently, Tom Cruise has finally achieved leper status. Can things get worse for this guy? Sure. He could arrive on set one day, forgetting to remove his butt plug. That would be embarrassing, but it would never happen. He has a note on his fridge that reads, “Remember to remove butt plug before leaving.”

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

We all know that Tom Cruise doesn’t like doctors, modern medicine or people who are anti-Scientology, so after Dr. Drew Pinsky was quoted as saying the actor may have a mental illness, he threw his lawyers on it.

In next month’s Playboy, Dr. Drew says, “A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

So far Cruise himself has failed to comment on the matter, but instead had his attorney speak for him.

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels [a Nazi propagandist].”

Yeah well, Dr. P is super yummy hot, and I’ll believe whatever he tells me! Although that may stem from some childhood traum…oh nevermind.

Source: theblemish.com

Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew gave an interview in next month’s Playboy Magazine where he opines that people like Tom Cruise who join a cultish religions like Scientology have a mental illness.

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Tom Cruise went on the offensive with his lawyer Bert Fields who responded by calling Dr. Drew unqualified and compared him to Joseph Goebbels, one of Hitler’s closest associates. Bert tells Page Six:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

Bert Fields doesn’t know much because Dr. Drew is probably the most qualified person and has been doing this for years. Coincidentally, Tom Cruise plays Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, a Nazi, in the upcoming movie Valkyrie and the guy is crazy. You don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose that. I’m surprised Tom Cruise hasn’t started eating placenta yet… oh wait.