Source: theblemish.com

Katie Holmes has already signed on to Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, which is reportedly really making Tom Cruise sad because he wanted to have sex and have another baby. That’s what straight men do, right?

“But Katie was such a hit that she right away landed a film role in The Extra Man, and that led to another movie project,” said the source.

“Katie feels she had to strike while the iron is hot career-wise. Since she’s only 30, she feels there’s plenty of time for more kids,” said the source, especially since she turned down reprising her role in bat-sequel The Dark Knight.

Another hurdle they have to overcome besides the time thing is the lack of foreplay. Tom caresses her naked body like you would a snotty napkin someone left on your table.

Source: theblemish.com

Katie Holmes looked stunning at the premiere of Valkryie earlier this month in Japan. Especially her long, luxurious hair which was the toast of the town. But her new look was more than just $2,983 worth of extensions. To turn her from an androgynous Tom Cruise love doll, Katie went through $10,123 worth of spa treatments and had $28,921 of tooth veneers. When all was said and done, her total cost of improvements which took 48 hours to achieve amounted to $43,000.

A small price to pay to look dazzling. Prior to this, she was just depressing to look at. Her soulless eyes staring off into the distance reminiscing about what her life was like before she was brainwashed. Now she kind of looks like she wants to be there. Almost. Good job, guys.

Source: theblemish.com

Tom Cruise is in Brazil to promote his film Valkryie which has been out forever, but hasn’t been mentioned all that much. Forgetting Brazilians speak Portuguese and not Spanish isn’t helping either. At a recent press conference, he took to greeting the Brazilian reporters with “hola” and thanking them with “gracias.”

Adding to the embarrassment, Cruise said he fell in love with Brazil after watching movies about samba and tango. To many, tango is a dance originating from Argentina. Tom might as well have shouted, “Fuck you Brazil and your devil language.”

Besides confusing Brazil with Spanish speaking countries, Cruise also made a trip to the Island of Dr. Moreau. Actually, it was the island of Dr. Ivo Pitanguy, a plastic surgeon who has his own landing strip in Brazil and owns a bunch of exotic animals. This little excursion has Fox News speculating that either Suri wanted to check out rare animals without those unnecessary safety precautions or Tom wanted plastic surgery.

That or he wanted more steroids. Look at him. His stomach is imploding. It’s as if he’s aging backwards. Pretty soon his tits will be perkier than Katie’s.

Source: theblemish.com

Via Defamer. Tom Cruise comes face to face with Scientology’s mortal enemy, a guy from Anonymous with a V for Vendetta mask. It’s unclear whether the mask-bearing vigilante was at the German premiere of Valkyrie to protest or not, but either way, watch the mere presence of Tom Cruise melt this man’s icy heart. By the end of the clip, Tom Cruise has turned the guy into nothing more than a squealing fan girl who’s just met their childhood crush for the first time in their short 12-year-old life. He’ll probably never wash that mask again. Unless his mom throws it in with the rest of the laundry tomorrow.

Source: theblemish.com

God bless The Sun for interviewing Tom Cruise and then styling the article with a picture of his wife during her herpes outbreak. Anyway, Tom Cruise wants ten children. I believe I mentioned that earlier.

“I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

Good luck trying to get Tom’s penis close to Katie’s open legs again. It’s still traumatized from the first experience. Although, if he forces it in there, it’s bound to throw up sometime.

Source: theblemish.com

In 2005, Tom Cruise called Matt Lauer glib during an interview about psychiatry and antidepressants. For whatever reason, a big fuss was made because today, three years later, Tom Cruise returned to apologize to Matt and warn him that Scientology will crush him with their alien technology. No, not really, but Tom said he “learned a lesson,” a “really good lesson” and that he realizes he came off as “arrogant.”

“I thought about it a lot,” Cruise told Lauer. “It’s a subject matter that was important. After looking at it, I really thought, it’s not what I had intended. In looking at myself, I came across arrogant. I absolutely could have handled that better.”

Tom Cruise once again spoke effusively about his wife and noted that he’s seen Katie perform 25 times in her Broadway play, All My Sons. Of course, he was only there to remind Katie that “it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again” and to tent his fingers a few times while looking maniacally at her.

Source: theblemish.com

Tom Cruise lost his BlackBerry sometime during a full-hour interview with Entertainment Tonight Canada. National Post columnist Shinan Govani reports that Tom’s people called the studio asking if anyone found the phone. “A search was done, but, nada,” Govani said. “So, basically, someone in Toronto has Top Gun’s crackberry.” Ruh-roh.

In response, Tom has politely asked the citizens of Toronto to return his BlackBerry if found. Also, Tom says not to open the calendar event that says, “When Katie is away, Tom will play,” and definitely don’t open the other one that goes, “Secret Santa dildo gift exchange.”

Source: theblemish.com

Kind of. Tom Cruise taped an interview with MTV Canada’s The After Show to promote his movie Valkryie during which he was asked about The Hills. Specifically, about Spencer and Heidi’s elopement. Cruise, who had to be told what a “Hills” was, gave Spencer some sage advice:

“If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding,” Cruise said. “It’s a special occasion, and she’ll remember it forever. Spencer … dude … you’ll realize this later.”

Listen to Tom, he knows how to control women. You lavish them with gifts and whisper sweet nothings in their ear and inject them with muscle relaxants. You don’t force them to get breast augmentation and a nose job and a shotgun wedding in Mexico. That path will always lead to resentment and fleeting fame. The trick is to stretch your 15 minutes into 15 years. Sigh. Spencer will never learn. He’ll always be a poor man’s Tom Cruise.

Source: theblemish.com

In the NY Times piece on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Cruise said that he “knew I wanted to marry Kate when I met her.” Katie Holmes sort of shared the same sentiment admitting before that it was her dream as a little girl to become Tom Cruise’s brainwashed indentured servant, er, wife (?). In fact, Cruise was so convinced they were destined to be together that he bought an engagement ring after their first date. Creepy.

“At one point, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her first and I put her off by changing the subject,” Cruise adds. “I wanted to ask her.”

Tom Cruise must have been pretty charming to pull that off or he must have spent a lot of money to hold Katie’s family hostage. I bet their first date went something like this:

Tom hands phone to Katie over the dinner table

Katie: (Smiling) Hello? Who is this?

Cat meows over the phone

Katie: Kitty?! (Jubilation turns into fear)
Tom: Yes. Kitty. Now, you will be wise to answer “yes” to what I have to say next.

Tom gets on one knee and proposes

Source: theblemish.com

Early reviews are filtering in for Tom Cruise’s Oscar-hopeful Valkryie and it isn’t looking good. The Bryan Singer directed thriller has been flayed by early viewers who say the film is nothing like a thriller and describes it as “…a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent — though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

Not only that, reviews note “Cruise’s performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs.” For example:

A scene where Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give the infamous “Heil Hitler” salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh,” the source says. “His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Regarding a scene where Cruise removes a false eye, another source adds:

“It was disgusting,” said one person who saw the film. “It was like watching someone pluck their contacts out.”

That one sounds nitpicky. From what’s described, the scene sounds awesome and metaphorical. The fake eye represents John Travolta’s sex toy and the eye socket is Tom Cruise’s anus. Or have I completely read too much into it and it’s just a random scene included for shock value?