Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Notable Amazon.com album rankings from today:

1. Christina Aguilera, Back to Basics [I LOVE YOU XTINA!]
2. Danity Kane, Danity Kane [Yup, that’s Diddy’s all-girl group from yet another interminable cycle of Making the Band. Today, as the title says, we are putting things in perpective.]
…
7. Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way [Didn’t that one lead singer chick say something mean about Texas? Or the Pope? It was something like that.]
…
10. Clay Aiken, A Thousand Different Ways [insert multiple-penetration joke here]
…
12. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds [tell us again about those talentless AmIdol hacks, JT, and do it without using any spaces!]
…
24. Kidz Bop, Vol. 10
…
28. High School Musical [Amazon has Ashley Tisdale listed as the artist, but I refuse to condone that here.]
…
32. Cheetah Girls 2 Original Soundtrack [even better than the first Cheetah Girls soundtrack!]

and at #33:
Paris Hilton, Paris.

To her credit, she’s been climbing this chart all day, but when your album’s stalling out three times as far down as Clay Aiken on pre-order, something didn’t go exactly to plan.

If it makes you feel any better, Paris, Jessica Simpson’s A Public Affair promises to remain comparatively private, hanging out at the #75 position this afternoon.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

I’ll have you know that Paris Hilton is my friend on mySpace. The real Paris Hilton. I know this because several months ago I received a bulletin from her pointing me to a secret page with select tracks from her forthcoming album. They were awful. Embarrassing. Perfect. I sent the link along to some close friends, all of whom essentially called bullshit. “This can’t be for real,” they said. “It can’t actually be this bad.”

Paris’s eponymous album, released this week, contained all of those tracks and more. In spite of all the Scott Storch hype, the disc is childish and amateurish. It’s predictable, I suppose. The beats are danceable, and Hilton’s voice is an amalgam of that nasal, pimple-faced darling of your local community theater and Jenna Jameson masturbating. “Scott Storch,” she whispers not ten seconds into the first track, and your stomach buckles. It’s all going to be like this.

The first single from the disc, “Stars are Blind,” which you’ve all heard 8000 times by now, is a respectable showing. The album has one other bright spot, “Screwed.” Hilton battled Haylie Duff (of Hilary fame) for the rights to this song, but the real losers here are songwriters Kara DioGuardi and Greg Wells, whose catchy, true-love-means-you-can-put-it-in-my-ass number would have been sexy and fun in the hands of a Kelly Clarkson; on Hilton it just looks bitter and slutty.

Other can’t-miss tracks include “Jealousy,” an anti-Nicole Richie tirade (in which she implies implausibly that it was Nicole whose ego couldn’t handle Paris’s fame) and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy,” where Rod Stewart picks up a writing cred.

Hilton cowrote about half the songs on the album (the more difficult listens, not surprisingly), and one quickly gets the feeling she put more effort into the liner notes, in which she thanks each of her pets by name — names like Napoleon, Cinderella, Baby Luv, and Kim Kardashian.

Will this album get spun on the club scene? Yeah, probably. Paris is marketing the hell out of it. The beats are solid, the vocals are on-key, and alcohol and cocaine can be serious mitigating factors in that always-on-appeal case of The People vs. Bad Music. So roll up a dollar bill and get to it, because we’ll always have Paris.

Check out the album:

Source: theblemish.com

Paris Hilton has probably lost the bet with Serena Williams over who could abstain from sex the longest. The news today is Paris and Brandon Davis have been living together since he got out of rehab. The cover story is Brandon is selling his home and that’s why he’s staying at her house. Clever. Except Brandon Davis is rich and could afford to stay in a hotel. He just needs one with AC that can go to 32 degrees farenheit. Because he’s sweaty. As a result of being fat.

The fire crotch rant must have really touched Paris’ heart like some sort of socialite cupid’s arrow. In fact, the combination of Paris and Brandon may be so awesome it could make the world implode. That level of stupidity has never been reached…until now. I have only one question. Can you handle Brandon “The Beast” Davis?

Oh look, Paris meets her one fan while in Tokyo.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

When is Britney due again? This is so frustrating. Items being circulated as news today:

• Paris Hilton released the album you and your best friend recorded on an 8-track when you were ten years old. Honestly, I had pretty much made up my mind that I was not going to listen to this album; I was going to hold out for weeks, at least, and possibly months; my resolve was strong and my motives were pure; and around 3:15 pm a coworker dropped it on my desk, and it was all over for me. I’ll write a more thorough review later.
• No one will ever marry Brittany Murphy. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Makeover!
• Kate Hudson thinks she can just skip out on an overseas premiere of a movie nobody cares about just because she’s divorcing a man nobody cares about without it being big news. And any other week, she’d be right.

Source: theblemish.com

Paris Hilton is still hyping her album to make it seem like the greatest music since I don’t know what because I can’t find another singer to compare “legs wide open” Paris to. She says people go crazy when she plays her album and she doesn’t tell them who it is because she doesn’t want people making ringtones off her songs.

Of her album, she says, “I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

Well I, like, cry when I read a Paris Hilton story and I, like, cry when I dice onions. I also, like, cry during sex. But, like, it’s more a quiet sobbing, so, like, the girl doesn’t really hear it. Like, you know. You know?

In other Paris Hilton news, her bed is going up for auction. I can’t understand why anyone would want to buy a thousand scabies and crabs, but the semen encrusted mattress? Now that’s a different story.

Source: theblemish.com

More details as to why Paris Hilton would give up sex have come out. Apparently it wasn’t just for the betterment of herself, it was to win a bet for the single girls club she created. Another member of this club is Serena Williams.

Yea, you read that right. Someone actually allowed Serena Williams in a GIRLS club and let her in on this bet. Paris Hilton may not be the best looking gal in the world, but when you’re up against Serena there has to be some sort of handicap. I’m not saying Serena is ugly. I just can’t envision men beating down her door to get at her vagina no matter how unused it is compared to Paris’ and when you’re up against a girl who has penis for breakfast, it’s kind of unfair.

Here’s Paris trying to be sexy. Look at her left eye in that one pic and tell me you don’t want to go “Yarrrr matey”.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

I know, I know, this is supposed to be a gossip blog, and I made you look at Yahoo’s (plummeting) stock chart last week, and now this headline, and it’s really not fair, and you’re getting kind of squirmy, and, like, uugggghhhhh, but this is important, so sit down and shut up.

PepsiCo (they make Pepsi, in case you were confused, in which case don’t even bother with the upcoming words) announced today that CFO Indra Nooyi will take over the CEO position from Steven Reinemund, who plans to retire; this makes PepsiCo the second-largest company based on revenue to have a female CEO (Patricia Woertz at Archer Daniels Midland leads the largest) , and puts Nooyi on a very short list of female CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, not to mention among the Fortune 100, where PepsiCo resides (interestingly enough, PepsiCo is #1 in revenues in the Food Consumer Products industry; position #2 is held by Brenda Barnes’ Sara Lee). Nooyi is well respected by analysts and peers, and PepsiCo stock was up slightly with the news. Thank you, Carly Fiorina.

Okay, sorry, I know that was really really painful, so to make it up to you, Paris Hilton is still getting paparazzi mileage out of that firecrotch thing. TMZ got it on tape. Hopefully watching that can help you feel a little less dirty about knowing something about the business world today.

Source: www.celebitchy.com

I wrote Snopes.com to ask them to fact check this story, because it sounds like complete bullshit to me, but Paris Hilton is said to have purchased a cemetary plot next to Marilyn Monroe for a “Billy Hilton,” which was initially thought to be a poorly named deceased relative. It turned out that Billy was her goat. Someone made this shit up, but it’s pretty funny:

This simply can’t be true. I did a half-assed google search, and it seems to have originated with a press release, which also claimed that Paris booked a gospel choir to perform at a funeral. Just like the rumor that Will Ferrell died in a freak para-gliding accident, someone cooked up a joke press release and now the dumber news services are picking it up.

Paris might have a whole zoo full of animals, but it’s doubtful she loves her goat this much, or even knows where Marilyn Monroe is buried.

Source: theblemish.com

Paris Hilton has booked a plot next to Marilyn Monroe for Billy Hilton. In what amounts to another slap to the face for Marilyn Monroe, people found out that Billy Hilton is Paris Hilton’s pet goat. First she claims she’s the Marilyn Monroe of our decade and now she wants to bury a goat next to her. I have no idea why Paris hates Marilyn this much.

“But it has transpired that it’s just an old goat. Normal people are content to bury their pets in the garden and be done with it. But not Paris. “This is one of the most prestigious cemeteries in the world, it’s not for animals. “It should be reserved for superstars.”

In Paris’ defense, you can’t really bury a goat in your backyard and when you combine that with the fact Paris Hilton is not too bright, this kind of stuff is to be expected. I’m not saying she’s completely retarded, but if you gave her a container of Gatorade powder, she would dump it on a mirror and snort it.

Source: theblemish.com

Paris Hilton’s pet kinkajou bit her on the arm Tuesday morning. I’ve never heard of this animal, but good job. Paris then called her publicist Elliot Mintz who drove her to the emergency room.

My publicist would probably be the first person I would call if I got bitten by some animal that didn’t exist for me until today. Forget about the hospital. What can they do that my publicist can’t? It’s not like they have some magic potion in a long iron needle that will fix me. This isn’t fairy tale land. The picture above is Paris and her ferret. Just another animal that almost escaped from her twisted circus.