Star Magazine surprisingly beat everybody to the punch by reporting that Benji Madden, the other Good Charlotte, and Paris Hilton broke up and proved that if you throw enough darts blindfolded at a dartboard, you’re bound to hit a bulls-eye. A rep for Paris confirmed the dissolution of their sham relationship to Us.

“Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends.”

And of course, none of this was Paris Hilton’s fault. It was all Benji’s. A source explains:

“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”

Whoa there. Before Benji, Paris Hilton was the town whore who partied 24/7 and didn’t give a shit about anyone else. After settling down with Benji, she became somewhat respectable and even a little respected. Now she wants to go back to what everyone ridiculed her for? Makes sense, I guess. Why be better when you can stay the same. Aim low and never be disappointed, I say.

The source stresses nothing went on between Paris and Stavros and that the she and Benji were always faithful to each other. The source then whispered, “BJ’s and hand jobs don’t count as cheating, right?”

[Image via Splash News]

Paris Hilton, tired of her sham relationship with Benji Madden or just tired of Benji Madden in general, was reunited with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niachros at Miami nightclub Mokai on Saturday night. An eye witness says the heiress arrived at 2:30 AM and that the two “were all over each other. They were at the same table for about an hour and then they left together. It didn’t seem like Benji was on her mind at all!” Benji, blissfully unaware, was with his brother to take part in the last episode of TRL the next day.

It’s going to be a mess when Benji finds out. Mascara will be running everywhere. By the time Benji is done sobbing, he’ll look like The Crow except less cool and way more pathetic.

Check out that half-unbuttoned shirt on Stavros. Rawr. I can see why Paris wants him so bad. That Hasselhoff chest hair is like honey to women.

Paris Hilton will join Charlotte Rampling, Allison Janney and Ciaran Hinds in Todd Solondz’s “part sequel, part variation” companion piece to his 1998 film, Happiness.

Todd Solondz is probably best remembered for Welcome to the Dollhouse. For me, however, I will always remember him for Happiness and as the man who isn’t afraid to tackle the tough issues like child rape and dogs licking semen, then licking someone’s face.

It’s as of yet unknown what role Paris will play. One can only assume it’ll be something dark. Maybe a role that will play to her strengths of being a naive ditz. Like, have her stand in front of a deep well reciting a soliloquy about superficiality and then have someone push her down it.

By the way, how many suburbanites do you think sat watching Happiness in horror after being tricked by the trailer into thinking it was a light-hearted comedy?

Quite often people compare Paris Hilton’s mentality to that of a five-year-old’s. They have yet to be proven wrong. Here’s Paris out at the grocery store buying Kellog’s Barbie cereal. Calling her child-like would be an overstatement. Her brain stopped developing at around the time she got into unicorns and fairy princesses. It took one look at her and said “fuck it” and left. I mean seriously, Barbie cereal? Even kids stare at this in the supermarket and wonder, “WTF?!”

Just so you know, Paris Hilton exercised her right to vote yesterday and used it as another opportunity for a photo shoot. She put on her most conservative dress and headed to the polling place where she was greeted by paparazzi. She quickly left, however, after she couldn’t figure out how to work the pen and paper, becoming confused by the ancient relics. “Can’t I vote by Blackberry?,” she asked. Luckily, two police officers were there to tase her before she became any more belligerent.