Source: theblemish.com

For a mere $5,000 starting bid, Michael Lohan will agree to step into a boxing ring with anyone who fronts the cash. The auction supposedly goes towards charity and will take place Nov. 24 at the Hilton Long Island in Melville, N.Y. The card will have 10 other amateur matches provided each of them finds a competitor willing to bid $5,000. Certain height and weight restrictions apply. Trying to drum up interest, Jeff Cohen, the organizer explains:

“Anybody who jumps into the ring with Michael Lohan will become famous,” Cohen said. “Maybe you’ll get one of Lindsay Lohan’s ex-boyfriends who’ll try and impress Lindsay by beating up her father. Who knows? … You might get Samantha Ronson trying to put a bid in there.”

They should make this more interesting. If the bid reaches $10,000, they should force Michael to tie one of his hands behind his back. That way the other guy can go in and kick Michael in the balls without worrying about him blocking it.

Source: theblemish.com

Fearing her erratic father might do something to jeopardize her safety, Lindsay Lohan decided to file a restraining order against him. Page Six reports:

Lindsay’s sister, Ali, “already has an order of protection against him, as does [mom] Dina. No one is speaking with him until he gets help.” Lindsay’s rep declined to comment.

Expect a statement by e-mail from Michael falsely accusing Lindsay’s friends of turning her against him in 3, 2, 1. Michael’s like that kid in school who doesn’t realize everyone hates him. Not even when you put dog poop in their backpack or push them in the mud at recess. All they say is, “Jolly good show, ‘ol chap,” and pat you on the back. Uh, ok. What’s it going to take to make you understand? Do I have to kill your dog or something?

Source: theblemish.com

Sometimes I get the feeling Michael Lohan doesn’t approve of Lindsay’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Case in point. Michael Lohan’s scathing e-mail to X17online where he calls Samantha “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

“I don’t believe that the recent blogs posted by ‘Lindsay’ were written by her” and touted, “There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what’s with this ‘person?’ Look at the way she ‘dresses.’

“Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words. Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand).”

Hey, when you’re out of TP you gotta do what you gotta do and if that means using a towel and rinsing it off in the tub, then so be it. Just don’t mention it at dinner. People are kind of uptight about it. Anyway, Lindsay responded to Michael’s letter.

“My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it’s dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren’t speaking.

“I am in a great place in life,” Lindsay continued. “I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I’m proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.

“My past is behind me, and that’s final. There’s nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there’s no story when things are calm and good.

“But they might as well let it go because their lies don’t affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she’s a wonderful girl.

“She loves me, as I do her.”

Argh, so many words to read. A much better, more concise response would have been “Fuck you, dad. I’m going gay.”

Source: theblemish.com

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson both blasted Michael Lohan yesterday for talking about LIndsay to the press in order to get attention. Michael responded yet again calling Dina a two-face. Today, Michael sinks to a new low. His father just passed away and he’s using his death to prove how horrible a person Dina is.

“My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.”

“THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

Michael’s dad won’t be buried or cremated for at least two weeks. His decaying corpse still has some media mileage left in him. Five days from now Michael will issue another statement to the press furiously proclaiming he has received nary an inquiry from Dina about funeral arrangements and that his dad has “really started stinking up his house.”

Source: theblemish.com

Yesterday, Michael Lohan, suspicious about Lindsay’s drinking habits, issued a statement to the press to show his concern and basically called Samantha Ronson a bad influence. Michael also accused Sam of using Lindsay for her fame and says that she even has a book coming out.

Lindsay issued her own statement yesterday calling Michael an attention whore and asking him to “stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

Sam has also gotten in on the action, but since she’s not famous enough, she went to her MySpace instead of the press.

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?

Alright, so no book? What a shame. I was really interested in reading stuff like, Day 1: I met Lindsay. We got drunk. High. Day 2: Lindsay again. Drunk. High. Day 3: Finally managed to get Lindsay drunk/high enough to have sex with me. Plan is coming to fruition. Day 4: Lindsay is now a lesbian. Too easy. Day 5: Drunk. High. And so on and so on.

Source: theblemish.com

If you’re LIndsay’s dad, then your concern for your daughter’s well being extends only as far as the amount of publicity you can milk for showing said concern. Which is why Michael Lohan has been telling the press that Lindsay is drinking again.

“Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse,” says Lohan. “Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Lohan hasn’t yet decided how he’ll proceed with handling the situation, but he has begun taking responsibility in his own life.

A 22-year-old in the prime of her life having fun and drinking? This is horrible. Because as we all know, drinking leads to loose morals, loose morals leads to premarital sex and premarital sex leads to hell. Wait, isn’t Lindsay one of the gays too? Ahhhh! Who will help save Lindsay from the evil clutches of Satan?!

Source: theblemish.com

Ashley Kaufmann’s pictures were revealed yesterday by OK! Magazine and In Touch. The modesty exhibited in them was puzzling because it is suspected Ashley has Lohan blood in her. You’d expect her to be fellating a Popsicle if that was the case. Some worried she may not have even have inherited any Lohan genes at all. Well, let MSNBC assuage your fears because according to them, Ashley has been asking studios for a record deal.

A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

If there’s one thing the Lohans are good at, it’s being opportunistic. They’d sell out their own children for a piece of fame. And they have! I only hope that one day when I’m a parent of a famous kid, I’ll have the wherewithal to ride the coattails of my child’s success and pyramid it into a 6-figure TV deal. That’s the American Dream. I think.

Source: theblemish.com

Both In Touch and OK! released photos of Lindsay Lohan’s supposed 13-year-old half-sister, Ashley Kaufmann, who was thought to be fathered by Michael Lohan during a break with his then wife, Dina. Michael Lohan is arguing for a DNA test before he sends over any money.

The question now is: Do you see any resemblance to a Lohan? She doesn’t look 13 going on 30, she’s not flashing her panties, there are trees behind her as opposed to mountains of coke and she’s not making out with a chick. In other words, all signs point to “no.”

Source: theblemish.com

In shocking news of the day, Lindsay Lohan has a secret sister. And I don’t mean “sista”. I mean biological sister. Lindsay’s father, Michael, told OK! that while married, but separated, he carried on a relationship with another woman who had a child. This woman convinced Michael that only he could be the father. The girl’s mother, figuring this is the most opportune time to strike, has told Michael to take responsibility (monetarily).

In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”

Out there right now is a little Lohan girl who has not been damaged by the combined efforts of Dina and Michael Lohan. It is hard to imagine such a mythical creature. Is she addicted to coke? No? Has she flashed her vagina? No? How many bj’s has she given? None? What? We’re talking about a female Lohan, correct? This is a miracle. Sort of like finding a white gorilla in a field of poo-flinging monkeys. We may have a discovered a normal Lohan! Let us capture and study her.

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

• Nick (Bollea) Hogan has been denied his request (hooray!) to be let out of the jail’s solitary confinement and into general population or house arrest. Nick’s attorneys claim the seclusion is cruel and unusual punishment and that it’s unbearable for him to be in there 16-17 hours a day. We wonder if he’d rather be in a coma 24/7?

• Also in Nick Hogan news, Nick has decided to sue the Florida Sheriff’s department that released the phone calls he made from jail to his mother and father. The lawsuit names privacy rights and is seeking to prevent further tapes from being released. Last time I checked you pretty much lose all your rights when incarcerated. Maybe he should exercise his right to shut the f@*% up! Nick’s attorney says, “Nick only asks that he be treated no differently than the other inmates at the Pinellas County Jail. Instead, the Sheriff’s Office has singled him out by the unprecedented release to the media of his personal calls with his family.”

• Those crazy Lohan’s are at it again. Michael Lohan has reopened the divorce case saying that his ex-wife, Dina Lohan, won’t allow him to see his children. He also accuses her of often showing up to therapy sessions late and/or drunk off her ass. He says she failed to bring the children to 15 of 29 judge-ordered visits with their father. He adds that Dina prioritizes her relationship with her children as such: First, as their manager, Secondly as their friend, and Lastly, as their mother. The two were scheduled to appear in court this morning, with Dina facing “immediate arrest and imprisonment” if she didn’t show.

• Lisa Van Allen, R. Kelly’s former lover, is coming forward with tales of the R&B star’s predatory sex practices. She claims he carried a duffel bag of sex tapes with him no matter where he went. She says she was introduced to the under-aged victim before having a threesome, but once Van Allen began crying Kelly became upset and quit filming saying he couldn’t do anything with the footage. She also claims he tried to retrieve the video from her by offering $250,000. Kelly’s attorneys claim Van Allen stole a $20,000 Rolex from the singer and that she may have set him up in order to extort money.

• Megan Fox admits she has a higher sex drive than most teenage boys! Just what the millions of men around the world wanted to hear. The drop dead gorgeous Transformers star says, “I have the libido of a teenage boy. I’d rather have sex all the time than leave the house.” You can pick your tongue off the ground now, guys!