Source: theblemish.com

When Madonna and Guy Ritchie married, she dragged him into her wacky Kabbalah religion. Guy didn’t care for it but indulged Madonna to make her happy. Madonna is with A-Rod now and she’s trying to do the same with him. Except, Rodriguez wants no part of it and probably thinks it’s stupid, rightfully so, which is why he’s been canceling his private classes at the last minute. MSNBC says:

“This is certainly off-putting to Madonna,” says the source. “She did drag Guy into Kabbalah, she’s doing the same now (with Rodriguez). But he’s bored. He’s basically a Kabbalah school dropout.”

In other news, police were called to a domestic disturbance at a NYC building. Reports indicate a famous baseball player was found whimpering in the corner as a pasty, white monster stood over him fuming. No charges were filed because evidently his black eye and broken arm were caused by running into a door and the victim noted, “It was all my fault. I should have put the toilet seat down.”

Source: theblemish.com

A judge today gave Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce his seal of approval. The Daily Mail reports that Guy may have taken only $4 million of Madonna’s money which was used to throw a celebratory dinner with his kids. He was entitled to half of Madonna’s fortune, but because Guy wanted to expedite the divorce, he elected to not take as much. Reports also say that he took the their estate and their pub estimated at $5 million.

‘All is not quite what it seems. The deal is 50/50 in terms of child access.

‘On paper anyway, Guy will not take any money. However all the security, travel and any other arrangements with the children will be funded by Madonna.

‘She has also agreed to give him a £2million sweetener as a kind of gift. This will not be seen in the court paperwork.

‘She will maintain his standard of living for the children. However that arrangement will also not be seen in the court paperwork.’

And Madonna took a sideswipe at Guy even as they divorced today  -  branding suggestions that he had not taken a penny as ‘fantasy land’.

Documents released by the court also indicate it was Madonna who petitioned for divorce citing Guy’s unreasonable behavior. What that behavior entails isn’t known. It probably has to do with Guy not succumbing to Madonna’s every whim. Like refusing to wear matching grass clothing or refusing to spot Madonna while she benches. Which, let’s face it, isn’t totally unreasonable. Not a lot of people can spot 550 lbs. Especially when they’re being emasculated in front of all the other gym members. Being called a “weak, whiny bitch” doesn’t exactly inspire one’s confidence.

Source: theblemish.com

Clearly desperate for attention, Madonna showed up at the UNICEF dinner yesterday dressed in grass. What style! What grace! She actually looks like a kiwi but whatever. If it’s a grass look she’s going for, someone should take their dog and tell it to take a big dump on her. And make sure the dog is big. Like a giant mastiff.

Source: theblemish.com

Guy Ritchie reunited with his kids today after Madonna took them away to the America. Of course, Madonna wasn’t about to let them have anything related to fun so she sent over a list of deranged rules that were not to be broken. This included forcing them to drink nothing but Kabbalah water and not allowing them to be photographed with Guy. Which is great because that’s just what happened.

Guy should do the opposite of everything on this list. He should make them drink gallons of soda while they eat a cow. The benefit of doing this is twofold. One, he’ll piss off Madonna. Two, the kids will think he’s the coolest parent and when the judge asks them who they want to live with, they’ll tell Madonna to remove the stick from her ass, take her English Rose book and shove that in there instead.

Source: theblemish.com

Britney Spears joined the monkey in a top hat to sing “Human Nature” together last night at Dodger Stadium in LA. PEOPLE describes the ethereal moment:

Madonna greeted her with “Hi Britney!” And Spears, with her blonde hair flowing and red lips smiling, moved to the beat as she sang the last chorus on “Human Nature” with Madonna.

“She’s not your b—-” Madonna proclaimed, pointing at Spears who replied with her classic line: “It’s Britney, b—-!”

Madonna had to swing her around three times to get her to loosen up a little bit and, in a far cry from the 2003 smooch, kisses Spears on the hand as her platform sunk below the stage.

“4 Minutes” came on and remixed into “Vogue” as Spears disappeared from view.

An hour later, Justin Timberlake joined Madonna to sing “4 Minutes.” Reports indicate they were grinding on each other. The video tells a different story. Justin probably didn’t want to have Madonna full-on grind him because during rehearsals, it felt like she was poking him in the butt with her belt buckle or was that her… Oh. My. God!

Videos: Madonna & Britney (top), Madonna & Justin (bottom)

Source: theblemish.com

Madonna’s directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom, was released three weeks ago. There was a red carpet premiere where Madonna wore pistol shaped heels and everything. It seemed like Madonna was on top of the world. Well, she’s not.

FOX411 reports Skeletor has sold only $18,000 worth of tickets in the three weeks the film has been released. This past weekend, it only showed on three screens, down from ten the week before. If you do the math, that’s about 50 people a week who’ve watched her movie.

Haha. Everyone point at Madonna and laugh. Hang your head in shame, Material Girl. No one likes your stupid movie.

Source: theblemish.com

Last week, both Madonna and A-Rod flew to the Hamptons in separate private helicopters within 40 minutes of each other and were taxied by different cars to Jerry Seinfeld’s waterfront mansion where they “relaxed for several hours.”

“A dark SUV and Jerry in another Porsche both pulled up and picked up Madonna and they headed back to Jerry’s place,” a witness told us. “When they arrived at the Seinfeld home, Madonna poked her head out the window and could be clearly seen.”

“About four hours later, the dark SUV left the house and took them all back to the airport. Madonna and the Seinfelds could clearly be seen getting out and piling into the copter that had taken Madonna there in the first place. They left together,” our witness said. “Several minutes later, the helicopter that carried A-Rod also left.”

This is all highly unnecessary. Madonna probably wanted to feel like she was in a stupid movie where she has to have clandestine rendevous at friends’ houses so no one will find out she’s banging A-Rod. Like she’s a big, important Hollywood celebrity. In reality, no one cares. Madonna must have been the source for this “look at me” rumor. Guy Ritchie probably read it, rolled his eyes and went back to f’ing some 21-year-old.

Source: theblemish.com

It’s no wonder why Guy Ritichie and Madonna’s marriage didn’t work out. Guy was a famous director who helmed such films as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Madonna is a unbearable attention whore who ruined whatever credibility Guy had with Swept Away. Besides that, she’s also a controlling ass who drew up a marriage contract to control guy’s life. At least according to The Sun.

The document detailed how many dates the couple should go on and how often they should have sex.

It stated that Guy had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”.

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counsellors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

If I was Guy and She-Man was trying to have sex with me, I’d create a distraction by throwing a tub of whey protein at her and GTFO while she was busy cradling it in her arms. I’d be gone so fast you’d just see a smoke outline of me like in those cartoons.

Source: theblemish.com

A few days ago, pictures came out of Guy Ritchie’s son Rocco sporting a New York Yankees shirt. Alex Rodriguez is of course a New York Yankee and rumored to be dating Madonna. A friend said Guy actually cried over the photos and is in “a terrible state. He said she is the ‘lowest of the low’ and is even more determined to fight for his side now.”

Madonna is a wretched and contemptible woman. It’s amazing she didn’t schedule a meet Alex Rodriguez day for all the kids and tip the paparazzi off so they could photograph the children taking turns riding on the, as Madonna would like Guy to know, “muscly and non-girl-like shoulders of a Greek God.”

Source: theblemish.com

More sordid details about Guy’s relationship with Madonna have surfaced and you know all those jokes you and I made about Madonna being the alpha male in the relationship? They’re true. Us reports:

“She would taunt Guy, saying, ‘I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual,’” reveals a Ritchie source. “Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him.”

Guy didn’t take it lying down though.

His reaction? “Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn’t sing,” another Madonna pal tells Us.

Madonna looks like a withered prune with muscles so it’s no surprise that Guy has already moved on. Us says he’s dating British actress Kelly Reilly who stars in his next film Sherlock Holmes. A noticeable step up but what isn’t when you’ve been with Madonna for so long. As long as Kelly’s clothes don’t rip into shreds exposing a complex network of bulging, throbbing veins when she flexes, it’s all good as they say.

Here’s Rachel Adams and Kelly Reilly at the pre-production conference for Sherlock Holmes.