Source: theblemish.com

I can’t decide who I want to bang more: Doutzen Kroes or Alessandra Ambrosio. Sigh. It’s times like these when I wish I had one of those cool voting option things on the site. I always base my unrealistic expectations on the popular vote.

Source: theblemish.com

Alessandra Ambrosio showed off her baby girl, Anja Louise Ambrosio Mazur, and, christ, that kid is huge. Her head is almost the size of Alessandra’s torso. Is it scientifically possible to be bigger than your mom by the time you’re one? Is it weird that the baby’s head looks like that of Tito Ortiz’s when he was a kid? And, wait, is that a faint outline of a mustache on Alessandra’s lip? Ack. What’s going on here? My penis has never been this confused.

Source: theblemish.com

Alessandra Ambrosio could model outfits made out of lit dynamite and I’d still buy it for my girlfriend. I’m not even going to ask why her clothes look like they were clawed by an angry tiger in the fourth pic.

Source: theblemish.com

If you have a wife and she’s just given birth, show these pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini to her for inspiration. If she breaks down and cries, don’t worry, that’s part of the process. It might help if you point out that after a bit of working out, Alessandra maintains her body by doing yoga just once a week. Be sure offer her words of encouragement like, “It’s so easy, I don’t see why you can’t do it,” and “Three carrots a day is plenty.” If I know women, and I like to think I do, she’ll express her gratitude with many blow jobs.

Source: theblemish.com

Alessandra Ambrosio is also in St. Bart’s doing a photo shoot for Victoria’s Secret. This girl is breathtaking. She was pregnant for most of last year and gave birth almost four months ago. Now here she is looking amazing with crazy abs. Most people will chalk this up to a personal trainer and hard work. Others like Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Janet Jackson dismiss it as witchcraft. “Brazilian black magic,” they mutter to themselves as their heads shake with jealousy and their hands push needles through a small Alessandra Ambrosio voodoo doll.

Source: theblemish.com

Everyone was in Maimi Beach this weekend to celebrate the grand opening of Fontainebleau. One of the guests was the smokin’ hot Alessandra Ambrosio. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say she may be the prettiest woman ever. If you pitted a unicorn against Alessandra Ambrosio in a beauty contest, the unicorn would trot away, hanging its head in shame because it knew it had no chance of winning even with the trail of rainbows and pixie dust it left behind.

Source: theblemish.com

Every year, Victoria’s Secret has their lingerie fashion show and every year I check my mailbox for an invite and every year I find a reminder from the court telling me to stay 500 yards away from all Victoria’s Secret models. Next year it’s going to be different. Watch out Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Ana Beatriz Barros, Heidi Klum, Selita Ebanks, Doutzen Kroes, Miranda Kerr, Izabel Goulart and all the rest. This sexy beast is coming for you. So, please, don’t warn the cops and don’t even try to hide your underwear. I’ll find it eventually. I’ve been practicing with my Where’s Waldo books. A few more after the jump or click any photo for the full gallery.

Source: theblemish.com

This was labeled as some sort of behind the scenes Victoria’s Secret bikini shoot featuring Marisa Miller, Alessadra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima and Karolina Kurkova. But I think we all know what’s really going on here. My fantasies have finally materialized! And once again, I’m on the outside looking in. Just like in my dreams.

More hotness after the jump.

Source: theblemish.com

Alessandra Ambrosio gave birth back in August. It’s November now and she’s already doing photoshoots! That’s a quick turnaround time for losing that baby weight. Alessandra can teach women a thing or two about looking sexy for me.

Source: theblemish.com

Managing to stay out of the tabloids during her pregnancy for the most part, Alessandra Ambrosio finally gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday in Brazil. The Victoria’s Secret model is already shopping the baby pictures to weeklies and says she will donate some of the proceeds to the Multiple Sclerosis Children’s Fund. The kids with MS better appreciate the $10 she’s going to give them. It’s enough for a burrito. Two burritos even! What’s that? You think that’s a mere pittance to what you should get? You ungrateful kids need to take that up with Alessandra. You can find her down the hall, rolling around in a pile of money. Just follow the shrieks of joy.