Source: theblemish.com

Surprise! Shauna Sand dressed up as a slutty soldier for Halloween.

Surprise again! You’re blind!

By the way, props to you, Shauna, for being photographed at an undisclosed location against a nondescript white brick wall giving everyone hope that you are taking part in a metaphorical execution which will result in us never hearing from you again.

Source: theblemish.com

A few days ago Joaquin Phoenix mumbled something about quitting acting and focusing on his music. Everyone figured he was joking but he’s taking this one step further and putting his Hollywood Hills home on sale through realtor.com for $3,975,000.

You can’t fool me Joaquin. I’m not falling for these pranks. No one is ever going to spike my drink with GHB and hire a $20 prostitute to rape me when I pass out again. Oh yea, real funny, guys. Did you at least put a condom on me? I mean besides the one you stretched over my head?

Source: theblemish.com

If you’re stumped on a costume idea, then do what Keeley Hazell did and show your tits. Trust me, you’ll win first prize at every party you go to.

Source: theblemish.com

Last week, both Madonna and A-Rod flew to the Hamptons in separate private helicopters within 40 minutes of each other and were taxied by different cars to Jerry Seinfeld’s waterfront mansion where they “relaxed for several hours.”

“A dark SUV and Jerry in another Porsche both pulled up and picked up Madonna and they headed back to Jerry’s place,” a witness told us. “When they arrived at the Seinfeld home, Madonna poked her head out the window and could be clearly seen.”

“About four hours later, the dark SUV left the house and took them all back to the airport. Madonna and the Seinfelds could clearly be seen getting out and piling into the copter that had taken Madonna there in the first place. They left together,” our witness said. “Several minutes later, the helicopter that carried A-Rod also left.”

This is all highly unnecessary. Madonna probably wanted to feel like she was in a stupid movie where she has to have clandestine rendevous at friends’ houses so no one will find out she’s banging A-Rod. Like she’s a big, important Hollywood celebrity. In reality, no one cares. Madonna must have been the source for this “look at me” rumor. Guy Ritchie probably read it, rolled his eyes and went back to f’ing some 21-year-old.

Source: theblemish.com

In Kim Kardashian’s version of Wonder Woman, she doesn’t rope people with a golden lasso or deflect bullets with her magical bracelets, she sits on people’s faces. And instead of fighting crime, she fights erectile dysfunction.

Source: theblemish.com

How many Jokers will there be this Halloween? Probably more than you’d like. How many Jokers will there be this Halloween who put on a mask because they’re too lazy to use face paint and hold a chainsaw which makes absolutely no sense? Uh, probably just this guy. Maybe he should watch the movie first. I’ve learned that it really helps when you’re going to dress up as someone from it.

I made the same mistake last Halloween. Man, I’ll never live down dressing as a backwards number 7 and having to explain to everyone that I was a character from the movie Se7en. Although, in my defense, it was technically true.

Source: theblemish.com

Josiah Leming was a homeless teenager living out of his car when he auditioned for American Idol. Simon Cowell called his audition one of the most memorable of the season. Regardless, he didn’t make it to the top 24 and was flown home. Now Josiah has recorded an album which is set to be released in late January ‘09 and because Idol and Simon Fuller’s 19 entertainment are greedy corporate machines, they’re threatening legal action against Josiah.

“Idol” contestants must sign strict contracts with the show’s producer, Simon Fuller’s 19 Entertainment, promising to record only with the label chosen by “Idol” – Sony/BMG. The 19 Entertainment shop also retains exclusive right of refusal for management and merchandising.

When the smash-hit show began in 2002, only finalists had to sign the contract – but now it’s mandatory for all contestants.

A rep for Leming, who grew up in Tennessee as one of eight siblings, said, “Josiah was the only ‘Idol’ contestant ever to get a record deal who didn’t make the top 24, and one of only four contestants to get a deal this year. He has personal reasons for getting his music out, threat or not.”

Did I mention his personal reason was to release an album before his terminally ill mother died and that no one from Idol expressed any interest in working with him when they sent him back home to his car? Leming’s lawyer has since sent a letter to Idol producers but has not yet heard back.

Idol should just sue him and stop the album from being released. Then afterward they can celebrate by kicking some puppies and pushing a few old people down the stairs. Oh hey, I hear there are a lot of homeless people around too. They might also enjoy to grabbing a handful of quarters and pegging them in the face with about $100 worth.

Source: theblemish.com

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon hosted a Halloween costume party yesterday where she had not one, but two costumes. Her first was a slutty cookie adorned with edible cookies. Nick was a carton of milk. Then when Mariah ate her costume, she dressed as a slutty fireman while Nick dressed as a regular fireman.

I expect better from these two. Like a Snoopy costume made out of a real dog or at least something equally as unacceptable in normal society. Sheesh, I thought rich people were cooler than this.

Source: theblemish.com

If you thought you’d never hear a lively discussion about the Large Hadron Collider on The Hills, you’d be partially correct. Because in this clip when Audrina Partidge’s friend explains that the LHC is being used to collide subatomic particles together, a worried look flashes across Audrina’s face and afraid that people will know how much of an idiot she is if she continues the conversation, she changes the subject. Dumb people are funny.

Source: theblemish.com

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

A few days ago, Joaquin Phoenix abruptly announced his retirement from acting to E! News. E! released the footage of the public resignation and it shows a completely out of it Joaquin slurring his way through a short retirement speech. Afterward, Casey Affleck was caught off guard and gave a hurried and mumbled, “Yea, he’s getting into music. Uh, I don’t know. You probably… he’s put out an album… I gotta go do this,” before he bolted off.

I could barely understand a word of what Joaquin said. Are you sure he retired or was he saying the men’s room was out of toilet paper? I’m not sure. Either way, you should watch this clip if not for the entire awkward conversation, then for the part where the interviewer puts his hand on his shoulder and laughs which causes Joaquin to look him dead in the eye and ask, “Why are you laughing?,” before leaving offended.

Weird. This is almost the exact same conversation I have with the women I hit on.