Source: theblemish.com

Some people call Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt pathetic for staging candid photos such as these to publicize their sad, lonely lives and further their non-existent careers. And I wholeheartedly agree. Why can’t they be content to fade into obscurity like much of their cast mates from The Hills will in five years? Have some dignity.

Source: theblemish.com

Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s psycho attention whoring father, showed up at the Penninsula Hotel on Wednesday where Lindsay’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson was deejaying and staked out the lobby waiting for Lindsay to arrive. A source revealed to Page Six:

“It was freaky. He was sitting on the steps and texting like mad, and looking very upset that she hadn’t arrived.”

Lindsay supposedly learned about her dad’s ambush and steered clear of the hotel, opting instead to have lunch with her mom and sister. A wise choice because Michael Lohan is crazy. He’s the kind of guy who professes his love for god, but a week later police find twenty dead bodies piled up in his basement all dressed in evening gowns, their hair bleached and wearing whorish makeup and spray on tans.

Dina Lohan, on the other hand, is less of a psycho, but still a horrible parent. At least according to a few critics who caught a glimpse of her reality show on E!. Viewers were appalled when Dina Lohan showed Lindsay Lohan’s alleged sex tape to 14-year-old Ali.

“Last time I checked, allowing a child to watch porn is against the law,” one viewer commented on GlossLip.com. Another asked on Trashwire.com, “Does anyone besides me think it’s weird that Dina showed her daughter [such images]?”

It’s true, Dina is a pretty awful at raising children, but still, by the time I was 14, I’d already seen sites like Goatse.cx, Rotten.com, Stileproject and Orgish (now LiveLeak). This was actually pretty tame. Knowing how Lindsay turned out, Ali’s probably already doing Kegel exercises when she pees. She could probably grip a bowling ball with her vagina by now. A 6 pound one. She hasn’t yet reached the expert level of 14 pounds like Lindsay. One day, though. One day.

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

Maybe I’m just evil, but…bitch looks like Ted Kennedy!

Source: theblemish.com

OK! and ET both confirmed Angelina Jolie gave birth on Sunday. PEOPLE, however, respectfully disagrees and is deciding not to jump on the baby bandwagon. Instead, they went to Jolie’s rep who denied this rumor, simply saying, “Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France.”

Great. Because I wouldn’t have known what to do if this had actually happened. I may have had to lie down from the sheer shock of Angelina giving birth on Sunday instead of the projected 2 – 3 weeks from now. My life was almost thrown into chaos. Ahh!

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

• Lindsay Lohan is being stalked by her father, Michael. He learned that she was staying at the Peninsula Hotel, where Samantha Ronson was deejaying for a party. Linds must have learned her crazy pops was on the way because she checked out before the party even started. Witnesses say Michael was staking out the lobby, sitting on the stairs – texting like mad.

• More Lindsay news – Lindsay and Sam visited the emergency room late last night. At first it was thought one of them had sought treatment but Lindsay’s spokesperson has since stated, “There is no drama. Lindsay and Samantha went to the hospital last night to visit a sick friend. Lindsay is fine.”

• Charlie Sheen and girlfriend Brooke Mueller are getting married tonight. Rumor has it Brooke already has a bun in the oven. Ex-wife and perpetual idiot Denise Richards won’t be attending but her girls will. A source dishes, “They had to tell Denise when it was, because they wanted the girls to come, but she doesn’t know where it’ll be. Who knows? She may even crash the event with a camera crew.”

• The home of 50 Cent was the scene of an intense and highly suspicious fire at 5am this morning. Six people, including the rapper, his 10-year-old child Marquis, and mother Shaniqua Tompkins were treated and released at the hospital for smoke inhalation. Tompkins, the ex-girlfriend of 50, has refused to move out since he tried to evict her (and their child!) last month – unless she paid $4500 in rent. The fire is being investigated and 50 Cent is not a suspect at this point, but I’m guessing the pissed off baby mama is..

• Madonna is refusing to pay a $92,800 hotel charge after learning the Carlton Intercontinental hotel in France allowed a camera crew to film her bathroom before she arrived for the Cannes Film Festival. France’s Canal Plus channel ran the footage. A couple years back Madonna’s anal bathroom requests (heh) were made public during her Confessions tour. She requested a new, plastic wrapped, toilet seat at every venue that only she could use and it had to be destroyed so it couldn’t be sold on eBay, or perhaps even licked by a crazed fan..

Source: theblemish.com

Paris Hilton has begun filming her new reality show, Paris BFF, where people apply to be her new best friend. That’s why no one has heard from her recently. Until today. This one comes from FOX News who say Paris was spotted at a party requesting the DJ not play songs lasting more than 20 seconds because she has ADD.

ADD, of course, stands for “I’m a spoiled princess that just enjoys making people do what I want,” but Paris is an idiot and messed up the acronym. I swear, if I saw her at a club, I’d go right up to her, look her in her stupid wonky eye, the one staring at me not the one floating to the right, and say “hello, nice to meet you, I’m a big big fan,” but I would secretly be thinking about calling her a dumb retarded bitch. If I had the power of telepathy, that would be a pretty badass moment.

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

“The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time. The ‘foot repair’ pain was intense, greater than I’d anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, Aerosmith has no plans to stop rocking. There’s a new album to record, then another tour.”

-Steven Tyler denies that he went to rehab for substance abuse, instead it was a foot injury that needed attention.

Source: theblemish.com

A recent survey conducted on Celine Dion’s Florida home suggests she uses nearly 18,000 gallons of water a day. Well above the average 170 gallons normal residents use. It is unclear whether this is is an irrigation leak or for their landscape, but it has left people outraged.

Whatever. Don’t these guys have better things to do with their time than cry about Celine’s water usage? Some people just want to be clean. I regularly fill my tub with 150 gallons of distilled water and after I finish rinsing it out, I fill it up again to take a bath. Screw the wetlands. What have they ever done for me besides be wet?

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

So for those of you who are anxiously awaiting your chance to see Sex and the City this weekend, here’s your sneak peek.

This review was published in this morning’s The New Yorker. Of course I’m not sure I agree with it or not, as I haven’t seen the film yet, but it’s well written and super snarky. Just up our alleys, sweethearts.

Article: Anthony Lane/The New Yorker
Illustration: David Hughes

Secrecy has clouded “Sex and the City” since it was first announced. When would the film appear? Who would find a husband? Would one of the main characters die? If so, would she commit suicide by self-pity (a constant threat), or would a crocodile escape from the Bronx Zoo and wreak a flesh-ripping revenge for all those handbags? As the release date neared, the paranoia thickened; at the screening I attended, we were asked not only to surrender our cell phones but to march through a beeping security gate, as if boarding a plane to Tel Aviv. There was even a full-body pat-down, by far the biggest turn-on of the night. Not a drop of the forthcoming plot had been leaked in advance, but I took a wild guess. “Apparently,” I said to the woman behind me in line, “some of the girls have problems with their men, break up for a while, and then get back together again.” “Oh, my God!” she cried. “How do you know?”

What followed was not strictly a movie. It was more like a TV show on steroids. The televised episodes, which ran from 1998 to 2004, lasted for no more than half an hour each. So, spare a thought for the director of the film, Michael Patrick King, who also wrote the screenplay. Faced with the flimsiest of concepts, he had to take it by both ends and pull until he stretched it out to two and a quarter hours. Two and a quarter! When Garbo made “Anna Karenina,” in 1935, she got happy, unhappy, loved, left, and under the train in less than a hundred minutes, so how the hell are her successors supposed to fill the time?

To be fair, there are four of them—banded together, like hormonal hobbits, and all obsessed with a ring. As the story begins, two are married already. First, there is Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), who has a job, a child, and not enough sex with her husband, Steve (David Eigenberg), perhaps because he reminds her of Radar, from “M*A*S*H.” Then comes Charlotte (Kristin Davis), who is blissfully wedded to—well, what is she wedded to, exactly? He goes by the name of Harry (Evan Handler), but he’s a ringer for Dr. Evil, from the “Austin Powers” franchise, with all the evil sucked away; what remains is fey and shiny-headed, smiling sweetly about something known only to himself. For a movie about the need for real men—lusty, loyal, and loaded—this unusual earthling is truly a most peculiar advertisement for the gender.

Next, we have Samantha (Kim Cattrall). Everyone has Samantha, or had her at some point; so she would like us to believe, and this is where the film of “Sex and the City” begins to part company with the original. The TV show was smart enough to trade on both the sentimentality and the shockability of its viewers, encouraging them to sigh at romantic satisfaction while snickering at the dirty talk that gave it spice. Behind it all, one caught a whiff of stale Puritanism: despite the women’s knowing bid for urbanity, there was an old-school, anti-sophisticated wish to put desire in its proper place, or, better still, to disperse it in a shared public giggle, for fear of where it might lead. Now the whiff has become a blast, and Samantha’s efforts to signal her appeal, which might have seemed languorous on the small screen, are blown up here into an embarrassing semaphore: thudding closeups of her slurping through a cocktail straw or swallowing a mouthful of guacamole. No self-respecting maker of soft erotica would countenance such shots, and, as for the matching dialogue (“Something just came up,” Samantha murmurs over the phone, as her boyfriend stands beside her in bulging briefs), it’s a straight lift from flaccid, mid-period James Bond. In a daring plot development, she buys a dog the size of a child’s slipper; the camera keeps cutting away to it, and guess what—the pooch screws, too! Mirth is unconfined.

I was never sure how funny the TV series was meant to be. It kept lapsing into a straight face, even a weepy one, as the characters’ contentment came under serious threat. This uncertainty survives into the movie, which made me laugh precisely once, as a magazine editor let fly with a Diane Arbus gag. It is no coincidence that she is played by Candice Bergen, who gets just the one scene, but who is nonetheless the only bona-fide movie star on show. You cannot simply shift a load of television actors onto a movie screen and expect them to command its greater expanse; only one in a thousand will be able to summon that mysterious confluence of presence and reserve on which stardom relies—the will both to offer oneself to the camera and yet to keep back the hidden, unguessable sources of that self. We should not be surprised, therefore, that Kim Cattrall’s come-ons wilt in the transition; but who would have guessed that Sarah Jessica Parker, a nimble performer who has had a career in movies aside from the TV show, should also seem diminished and ill at ease?

She plays Carrie, the writer whose voice-overs keep us up to speed with the doings of her friends, and with the reckless amassing of what she calls “the two Ls: labels and love.” Whether Carrie is able to acknowledge how tightly the two Ls lock together in her mind is another matter. Early in the film, she receives a proposal of marriage from her long-term boyfriend, Mr. Big (Chris Noth), and this triggers a Babylonian orgy of spending. In a montage of wedding-dress fittings, she honors “new friends like Vera Wang and Carolina Herrera and Christian Lacroix, Lanvin and Dior,” and so on; what I object to is not the name-dropping—think of it as a chick response to “American Psycho”—but the montage itself, which is shot in lazy veils of schmaltz. Compare the quick-change sequence in “Funny Face,” with Audrey Hepburn robed in one Givenchy masterpiece after another, and you sense not merely the greater snap in Stanley Donen’s direction (with more than a hand from Richard Avedon), and the hotter bloom of the coloring, but the way in which Hepburn herself outglows the frocks, with her smile and her imperious shout—“Take the picture, take the picture!” No thoroughbred was ever just a clotheshorse.

The women in “Sex and the City,” by that standard, are little better than also-rans, and their gallops of conspicuous consumption seem oddly joyless, as displacement activities tend to be. “When Samantha couldn’t get off, she got things,” Carrie says. Look at the beam in your own eye, sister. Mr. Big not only buys her a penthouse apartment (“I got it”), he offers to customize the space for her shoes and other fetishes. “I can build you a better closet,” he says, as if that were a binding condition of their sexual harmony: if he builds it, she will come. The creepiest aspect of this sequence was the sound that rose from the audience as he displayed the finished closet: gasps, fluttering moans, and, beside me, two women applauding. The tactic here is basically pornographic—arouse the viewer with image upon image of what lies just beyond her reach—and the film makes feeble attempts to rein it in. When the wedding hits a bump (look out for Kristin Davis screaming “No! No!” at Chris Noth like a ninth grader auditioning for “The Crucible”), and the bridegroom veers away, our heroine’s reaction to the split is typical: “How am I going to get my clothes?” What, honey, even the puffball skirt that you wear to the catwalk show—the one that makes you look like a giant inverted mushroom? That plea gets second prize for the most revealing line in the film, the winner being Miranda’s outburst as she hunts for an apartment in a mainly Chinese district: “White guy with a baby! Let’s follow him.” So that’s what drives these people: Aryan real estate.

At least, you could argue, Miranda has a job, as a lawyer. But the film pays it zero attention, and the other women expect her to drop it and fly to Mexico without demur. (And she does.) Worse still is the sneering cut as the scene shifts from Carrie, carefree and childless in the New York Public Library, to the face of Miranda’s young son, smeared with spaghetti sauce. In short, to anyone facing the quandaries of being a working mother, the movie sends a vicious memo: Don’t be a mother. And don’t work. Is this really where we have ended up—with this superannuated fantasy posing as a slice of modern life? On TV, “Sex and the City” was never as insulting as “Desperate Housewives,” which strikes me as catastrophically retrograde, but, almost sixty years after “All About Eve,” which also featured four major female roles, there is a deep sadness in the sight of Carrie and friends defining themselves not as Bette Davis, Anne Baxter, Celeste Holm, and Thelma Ritter did—by their talents, their hats, and the swordplay of their wits—but purely by their ability to snare and keep a man. Believe me, ladies, we’re not worth it. It’s true that Samantha finally disposes of one paramour, but only with a view to landing another, and her parting shot is a beauty: “I love you, but I love me more.” I have a terrible feeling that “Sex and the City” expects us not to disapprove of that line, or even to laugh at it, but to exclaim in unison, “You go, girl.” I walked into the theatre hoping for a nice evening and came out as a hard-line Marxist, my head a whirl of closets, delusions, and blunt-clawed cattiness. All the film lacks is a subtitle: “The Lying, the Bitch, and the Wardrobe.”