Source: evilbeetgossip.com

What the fuck is this, Carrie?

I mean, is it a dress or an escape pod?

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

You’re lucky you’re so goddamn gorgeous, girl. If Michelle Branch had showed up in this, people could have died.

At the BMI Country Awards.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

Ouch.

Billboard has revised its policies — just this week — allowing an album sold through a single retailer to be on their charts.

This means The Eagles new double-disc — sold only at Walmart — takes the #1 spot away from Britney! The Eagles album sold 711,000 copies, compared to Britney’s 290,000 (projections had been at 350,000). She’ll have the #2 spot this week.

“We know that some retailers will be uncomfortable with this policy, but it was inevitable that Billboard’s charts would ultimately widen the parameters to reflect changes that are unfolding in music distribution,” says Geoff Mayfield, Billboard’s director of charts. “We would have preferred to make this decision earlier, but only became aware within the last 24 hours that Wal-Mart would be willing to share the data for this title with Nielsen SoundScan.”

Ouuuuuuuuuuch.

Nothing is going Britney’s way lately. The world is so cruel. None of this is her fault.

Heh.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

Hey, guys, remember that one time that Katie Holmes looked like she was the same height as Tom Cruise?

That was weird.

Thankfully, it’s all over now.

And how fucking amazing does Katie look these days???

I need to convert to Scientology. Or train for a marathon.

Eh. Scientology sounds easier. Bring on the Xenu.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

Legal stories are so boring.

Basically, Britney has to pay for K-Fed’s lawyers because the Gods have decided that her trashy ass is rich and his comparably less trashy ass can’t get a job. The poor baby is only getting $35,000/month in spousal and child support from Brit. And who the fuck can live on that and pay legal bills?

Soooo boring. I’d be dead asleep if I hadn’t already had like 3 Red Bulls today. I have a problem with Red Bulls.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

Hey, you guys, you know what’s amazing?

The Butterfinger pies they have at Burger King now. I’m not even getting paid to say this, I swear. They’re just really, really freaking good. I find myself driving to Burger King, like, every day to get one. Like I went to get a spray tan today and ended up at Burger King instead. The car just goes there now. I tried one on a fluke, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s like a little slice of heaven in a cardboard box. They’re better than sex, I swear, and they seem to return my calls with about the same reliability.

Anyway.

The Mirror has some dumb “quote” from Rihanna about Josh Hartnett.

“I’ve fallen for him big time. He is so hot and he is really sweet to me. When we hang out it feels right – even though it’s still pretty new.”

Look, I totally agree that these two have fucked, but she didn’t say this. Firstly, because nobody says that. Honestly. Say those words aloud, and think to yourself “Would I ever say that? Would anyone I know ever say that?” and you’ll realize the answer is no. Secondly, because Josh has gone to great lengths to deny a romance, and, if she really had feelings for him, she wouldn’t fuck him over by going all public with it. She didn’t say this. But it’s a slow news day, so it’s getting reported here.

I’m going to eat my Butterfinger pie now and hope the day gets better.

Source: www.celebitchy.com

Rihanna gave some really dumb quotes about her romance with Josh Hartnett to the press, calling him “hot” and sounding like a school girl with a crush on the football quarterback. She claims to never drink, so what’s her excuse for saying this? Do you think he’s going to dump her like Cameron ditched Criss Angel after he gave her a public shout out?

“He is so hot and he is really sweet to me, she told reporters at the World Music Awards in Monte Carlo. “When we hang out it feels right – even though it’s pretty new. I would be lying if I told you we were not more than just friends… I have so fallen for him, he’s lovely.”

[From The London Blog via We Smirch]

The London Blog points out a possible fib in Rihanna’s statement that “it’s pretty new,” because Hartnett recently mentioned that he’d been involved with someone for a year. Did he just break up with whomever he was referring to or was it Rihanna and were they able to keep it quiet for this long? It’s possible Hartnett meant Helena Christensen, because weren’t they romantically linked, or where they just friends? Also, Rihanna was said to be going out with Shia LaBeouf a couple of months ago. I’m so confused:

Er, whaaaa? When I interviewed the Hotnett less than two weeks ago, he said he’d been dating his current girlfriend for A YEAR!

Poor Josh had scored teen kissing disease mono while filming 30 Days of Night and said, “Apparently I haven’t kissed enough people as I’ve been with the same girl for a year, so I don’t even want to know.”

[From The London Blog]

How have Hartnett and Rihanna been together for an entire year with the news just getting out now? Maybe it was Hartnett who was fibbing. Do you think they’re going to stay together now that Rihanna has blabbed about it? Talking to the press about it openly seems to be a deal breaker for new celebrity relationships.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

On Monday, Riley Giles posted this on his MySpace blog:

ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!

Oooh, ouch!

Doesn’t it sting when a 25-year-old snowboarder fresh out of rehab is offering you parenting advice, Dina? And he’s right?

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Source: evilbeetgossip.com

I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this.

Seriously, I’ve been sitting on these pictures all morning like, “I really don’t want to run these. Please let something happen. I really don’t want to have to run these.” But nothing has happened, guys, so I’m sorry.

Here’s Paris and Nicky tooling around Japan. They’re promoting some line of handbags and, tragically, helping to choose the new Miss Japan. Which is totally appropriate, because if anyone’s in a position to select the woman who best represents the culture and background of Japan, it’s someone who thinks a kamikaze is a shot they serve at Les Deux.

In fact, I am so annoyed with this whole story that I almost didn’t notice that Paris is dressed like a 5-year-old on Easter. I mean, there’s fashion-forward, and then there’s pink fucking tights, Paris.

And I like how all the pictures from this event are taken from, like, two feet off the ground, looking up. Are the Japanese really that short?

Okay, I’ll stop now. Back to hunting for stories.

Source: theblemish.com

Hilary Duff was spotted at New York hot spot Tenjune downing Veuve Clicquot straight from the bottle and giving her new ice-hockey boyfriend, Mike Comrie, a lap dance.

“She looked nothing like the sweet little Lizzie Maguire she once was as she treated Mike to a series of raunchy lap dances.
“The place was packed but Hilary didn’t mind.”
Hilary, 20, did put a stop to the raunchy act when the DJ played her own new song Wake Up.

Giving your boyfriend a lap dance while your crappy music plays must be embarrassing. One minute he has a boner tearing through his pants and the next he’s pressing his head against the speakers in hope that his eardrums will rupture. Maybe she should start dating deaf guys or maybe not contaminate the gene pool at all. Hey, there’s an idea!

Source: theblemish.com

Jerry O’Connell, husband to Rebecca Romijn, realizes fate dealt him a pretty good hand which is why he tells USA Today he wants to have as many children as possible with Rebecca. Presumably to tie down the transgendered Ugly Betty guest star into a loveless marriage.

“We’re definitely working at it,” O’Connell says. “It’s never as easy as everybody thinks. It just isn’t. When you’re married to Rebecca, you should try to have as many children as possible,” he adds. “And I want to do that before she figures out that she could do a lot better than me.”

The question then becomes: If Rebecca Romijn brings beauty and, er, more beauty to the table, what does Jerry bring? A sense of humor? A full head of hair? Brains? Another quality that will be of little importance if the baby is a girl? I suppose she needs his sperm, but other than that, I don’t see Jerry contributing too much to this relationship. Sorry, Jerry. It seems your usefulness stops at opening the random jar and checking that weird noise downstairs which, for some reason, sounds like an un-medicated ex-con with a machete, a rope and a penchant for torture.