Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Yes, yes she does. Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains. I’m not making that up. That’s the name of the band. Doesn’t it sound more like the name of a Judy Blume novel? Are You There, God? It’s Me, Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains. Her band played at the Viper Room in Hollywood on Friday night.

Oh, and Cory Kennedy was there. I have an unhealthy obsession with Cory Kennedy. I don’t know why, or perhaps I prefer not to think about it too much.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Sigh. Remember when we were just really excited to have such a good search engine? Via the AP:

Seeking to expand its already well-honed ability to sell targeted Internet advertisements, online search leader Google Inc. said it has agreed to pay $3.1 billion in cash to acquire ad-management technology company DoubleClick Inc.

The two companies announced the deal after the markets closed Friday. The boards of both companies have approved the takeover, which is expected to close by the end of the year.

New York-based DoubleClick helps its customers place and track online advertising, including search ads, which Google — more than its nearest search competitors Yahoo Inc. and Microsoft Corp. — has turned into an extremely lucrative business.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Save these pictures, Britney. Print them out and put them in a shoebox and keep them under your bed. Then when Sean and Jayden are 12 and 14 and come home stoned out of their gourds you can sit them down and be like, “Look, boys. I know drugs and alcohol are tempting. Mommy once used drugs and alcohol. Wanna see what happened to Mommy when she used drugs and alcohol?” And then you can pull out these pictures and show them and save yourself a lot of money on rehab stints for your kids.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Hugh Grant is very Lost in Translation at the Tokyo premiere of Music and Lyrics. Meanwhile, Lindsay’s lending her support and considerable star power to the new Charlotte Ronson store out there. Um, how do you say “butch” in Japanese?

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

She missed her calling. Her true genius lies in the written word. Responding to reports that she had gastric bypass surgery, Courtney responds, and I quote:

oh perez got it from pge six nd ots bullshit
i couldnt get that suregry iof i begged for it
FDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40 and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight at least other wsie its ILLEGAL.
I know spmeone who troed to get that shit and no dr would give it to her an dhse was pudgier than i was, its total utter shite, i lost weightthe hard way and people cant accept it,whwnever ANYONE loses weight by determintaion and grit fast its suspect i got muyinspirationf rom Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast,. thats how i did it

Now, I got out my 4th Edition Courtney-Love-to-English dictionary, but I still couldn’t piece together all the grammatic constructs, so we had to dig into our Evil Beet budget and hire a translator. Here’s what Courtney said:

Oh, Perez got it from Page Six and it’s bullshit. I couldnt get that suregry if I begged for it. The FDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40, and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight — at least – otherwise it’s ILLEGAL. I know someone who tried to get that shit and no doctor would give it to her and she was pudgier than I was. It’s total utter shit. I lost weight the hard way and people can’t accept it. Whenever ANYONE loses weight by determination and grit fast it’s suspect. I got my inspiration from Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast. That’s how I did it. That and cocaine. Bllaaaaaaaaaargh.

Honestly, Courtney, are you typing in the dark or are you just that high on diet pills? We ran out of cash for the translator, so I’ve included the rest of the entry in Courtneyese after the jump if you want to take a stab at it yourself.

, thio sis nonsesne my breath is great and i dont “vomit inot a towel” it sjust cynical crazy bullshit,
i started weight training three days go to get rid of the saggy ass and loose tummy i pln on hving perrrfect six pack by summer, and be extra strong so when i play shows ill be strong nd not weak,
Thizs is bullshit as is the tummy tuck rumour or the 200k in liopo rumpur ( you dont lose eoght all over from lipo) ( noone loses more than 15 lbs from lipo ever they “resculpt”) thi sisjust nnoying gross BULLSHIT. from people who cant lose wieght through ld fashioned discipline but dont think for second if it was legal i wouldnt think bout it sure i would but losing ll you rintesines doesnt appeal to me and im ton macro so i dont get cancer ( i kno wthe smnoking hs to go) banding s supposed to up your vchances for colon cancer as well as other terroble health problems,
again this is BULLSHIT. i worked my ss off and m always fucking hingry though ive gotten used to it, bno dr in the world would give me gastric bypass or gastric banding i dont meet the pproval of ny western country , it would be illegal and im[ossible fvor me to find dr to perform this surgery on me.
zso thats THAT.
Jealous Cynical people who anta cceopt that somneone cn lose alot of weight the old fshioned wy ive exercised mya ss off obv iously not enough in my stomach but xdone tons and tons aof cardio, so enough said on this nonsense jealous cynical lie.
good night.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Doesn’t Larry look like he might die any minute? Do you think CNN already has the obit video ready? I bet they do. Bastards.

Also, the interview was to announce that Oprah just opened a school in Senegal for any child named Harpo. Renaming your child is allowed, so it’s actually pretty inclusive.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

I’ve wondered time and time again how someone like Joe Francis sleeps at night. I guess I have my answer now: Lunesta. When I heard Francis got his ass caught with drugs in prison — the guards became suspicious after he tried to bribe one of them for a bottle of water — I wondered what it was he had smuggled in. What pill could be worth that risk? Lunesta, it turns out, and anti-anxiety med Lorazepam. There were 16 different pills in all. Turns out tough guy Joe was scared he wouldn’t get his beauty sleep in prison. Francis was charged with bribing a jail guard and having prescription sleeping pills in his cell. The president of his production company, Scott Barbour, brought him the pills; Barbour was charged with introduction of contraband into a detention facility. That’s what you get for being a friend to Joe Francis, buddy. And here’s the thing: I’m sure these white-collar criminal types do this all the time, smuggle cash and sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds into prison. It’s probably par for the course, and the guards probably look the other way. But not with Joe Francis. He just reeks of jackass. They must have been like, “Oh no, not you, buddy. We’re going to make this as hard on you as possible.” And I love that. I want to write those guards a thank-you note. I want to send them flowers and bake them cakes. I want to bake them Funfetti cakes. And I don’t do that for very many people.

But we’re not at the best part yet! The best part requires no additional commentary. I’m just going to let you read what came across the AP wire this morning. I have bolded the only important part.

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

“I didn’t do anything,” he told his parents as he was led away.

Awww. Poor baby! Jail is so awful. It hurts and it’s scary and it makes you want your mommy. It’s kind of like being raped by a spoiled, narcissistic, heartless porn magnate, except it’s not nearly that bad at all and this is your fault. Take it like a man, Joey.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

We know you have a lot going on these days, and you must be so tired of paparazzi constantly prying into your private life. You just want to be off the radar for a little while, you just want to get inside to enjoy the party, we understand that, but it’s really important to our editors that we get one or two good pictures of Kato Kaelin tonight. You don’t have to answer questions if you don’t want to. This’ll just take a second. Please, Kato, we’re begging you. Just go ahead and stand in front on the carpet for thirty seconds so we can get a few shots. We’d be forever indebted to you. Oh, you’ll do it? Oh, thank you, Kato! Thank you ever so much!

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Via Page Six:

JIMMY Kimmel sounded smug when he guest-hosted “Larry King Live” and told Gawker.com editor Emily Gould he “doesn’t know anyone who would advertise on Web sites like hers.” It turns out Kimmel’s own show, “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” buys ad space on three blogs similar to Gawker - A Socialite’s Life, Egotastic and The Superficial. Now Kim mel’s backtracked, tell ing The Post’s Mari anne Garvey, “Larry’s suspenders were very tight on me, so I didn’t complete my sentence. I have nothing against Web sites, online blogs or celebrity gossip. I was referring specifically to a site that en courages anyone with a cell phone to slander and stalk people.” Kimmel was referring to the Gawker Stalker map, which tracks celebs’ move ments.

Buuuuuullshit, Jimmy. Let’s go back to the tape, shall we? What you said was, “I don’t know why anyone would buy advertising on a website.” Period. You said that, Jimmy, immediately after talking about how Gawker ran a picture of Jabba the Hut in an article about Kevin Costner. The article (here) discussed Kevin Costner having dinner at Butter in New York City ON APRIL 4. The story ran ON APRIL 11. How very, very dangerous for Kevin Costner that anyone — anyone – with a time machine could go back 7 days and know exactly where they could find him for the anal raping. How horribly irresponsible of Gawker. Fuck that, Jimmy. You were pissed at celeb gossip blogs. You were pissed at celebrity gossip. You were pissed that Gawker had implied that you — co-host of The Man Show – were inebriated. Pick a fucking image, Jimmy, and shut up.

Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com

Everyone who heard Halle Berry just got a star said the same thing “How did she not have a star?? She’s an Oscar winner!” And they would be spot on except for one thing: The Hollywood Walk of Fame has very little to do with fame or merit. You see, like everything else in Hollywood, it’s for sale.

I’ve known this for awhile but people are always freshly surprised when I break the news that you buy your star when you need some pub (like Halle REALLY needs for the crappy Perfect Stranger flick). Read this article. A star cost you 15k and you have to fill out an application. You think Halle couldn’t have filed the paperwork after her Oscar and gotten accepted? C’mon. As long as you’re relatively famous and have 15k you’re in. So let’s not act like these stars mean something other than as a marketing tool.

For instance, guess who doesn’t have a star? Al Pacino. Does anyone in the universe think Berry has accomplished more than Pacino? The reason Al doesn’t have one is simple. He’s a star. He doesn’t need to file paperwork or pay money to have a glorified street plaque tell him so. The more you know!