Source: www.evilbeetgossip.com
First off, I’m sorry I missed the recap last night. I was nice and busy getting this new site up and running, and attending one of Mediabistro’s blogger parties, since the fabulous Kate Coe was kind enough to extend an invite. It was a great chance to reconnect with some of my favorite blogger pals from past events, and make new friends. I still haven’t watched the boys’ performances, so forgive me if I miss an easy joke.
So on to the recap!
Okay. We are twenty seconds into the program. Ryan Seacrest vest-check comes up negative, but unfortunately the turtleneck check comes up depressingly positive. This is not a man with a neck in need of any additional turtling. Honestly. A turtleneck is not supposed to make you look exceptionally turtle-ish, but Ryan looks like a bona fide amphibian right now. Also, Paula is not there. That’s right. They don’t have Paula yet. Awesome. This means she’s wasted. Those are the good days.
We introduce the girls and the judges. Paula is back. “She was underneath the desk,” say Randy and Simon. “Yeah,” says Randy, “she needed to get something for me.” Everyone laughs because it’s really funny when people give head underneath tables. Ask Antonella Barba about it sometime.
Jordin Sparks. Reppin’ ASU!!! GO SUN DEVILS!!! Her make-up looks really good tonight. Nice choice in lip gloss. “Heartbreaker.” Um. Is this song normally sung in, like, quarter-time? Because it is really, really fast-paced right now, and Jordin is not equipped for it, and you can tell by her face that she knows that. Her breathing is paced all wrong. She doesn’t look comfortable at all right now, and that did not do Pat Benatar proud. Randy thought it was “dope.” Paula liked it, and actually doesn’t seem too wasted. Seal clap from Paula. Simon thought it was “manic” and “shrieky,” but thought she showed personality. When she stands next to Ryan, it looks like he wandered into Wonderland and borrowed Alice’s “Drink Me” bottle, which I suppose, all things considered, is safer than wandering into Wonderland Rehab Center and borrowing Lindsay Lohan’s “Drink Me” bottle.
Red Room. No one is saying anything of value.
Sabrina Sloan. Who apparently used to be Sabrina Scherff. I thought perhaps she changed her name for the show, Ryan Starr-style, but Evil T went to college with her and tells me Sloan is her married name. She looks awesome tonight, too. Somebody finally figured out how to shade her nose so it looks less enormous on camera. The contestants always look better and better as the show progresses, which is good for them and less interesting for me. But it makes me wonder, like, do they wait a few episodes before they bring in the competent stylists? Why can’t they look good from the start? “Don’t Let Go.” I actually really like this song, and Sabrina’s doing a great job with it. She’s a very comfortable performer — a natural — and I like her a lot. Randy didn’t like the song choice and I don’t like Randy’s shirt choice. We’re even. Paula loves her. Simon thought it lacked emotion and was robotic. I didn’t feel that way at all. Simon thinks it reminded him of a “hotel resort performance.” I think Simon’s contract stipulates that he has to compare at least two performances a night to hotel, lounge, karaoke or cruise ship. It’s lost all meaning at this point.
Antonella! In her film clip, she is playing a green violin. Are violins supposed to be green? “Put Your Records On.” She’s just, like, so easily the worst performer of this group. It’s like she decides to commit to every third note or so, and the rest just kind of linger. I think everyone knows she’s not here because of talent anymore. Randy thinks she’s actually a better singer than she’s shown, and didn’t love this performance. Hm. I think Paula is dressed as an Oscar statue tonight. She’s all gold. “You’ve gone as far as you can go, Antonella,” says Simon. “You are surrounded by some pretty amazing girl singers, and I don’t know how much you can do.” Yeah. That’s about it. Woah. “I feel for you, because you’ve taken a lot of stick in the media, I think you’ve handled yourself well throughout, and I don’t think anyone should be put in that position.” Randy grunts his agreement. Strange. We don’t usually break that wall around here, but I guess we’re doing it tonight. Ryan asks her how she thinks she compares to the other girls, and she starts talking about how she doesn’t compare herself to them, they’re all unique, etc, and Simon says something inaudible off-camera. Either this was cut out in the west coast feed, or he just wasn’t miked at the time, but Ryan and Antonella both look at him in disgust. “Why do you have to be so tacky?” asks Ryan. Anyone catch what he said?
Haley Scarnato. “If My Heart Had Wings.” She’s not impressing me tonight, but the band is rocking out on this one. I mean, she’s not bad, and I love her shoes, but this just isn’t interesting. Also, this is not a girl for whom a half-ponytail does any favors. She looks much better with her hair down. Randy says it has “no pizazz.” Paula’s like “I think, you know, that’s the kind of artist that you are,” and I’m sure she didn’t mean it like this, but following Randy’s comment it sounds like she’s saying, “Yeah, I mean, you’re a boring person. It works for you.” Simon picks up on this and you can see him laughing with someone off-camera. Simon’s like, “I thought it was horrible.” Ooh! A “high-school music performance.” I suppose that can substitute for cruise ship every other week or so. Ryan talks to Haley, who is trying very hard not to cry.
Stephanie, who, um, I guess doesn’t use a last name anymore. Oh, no, she does, they just chose not to include it in her film clip. “Sweet Thing.” She does a nice job with the song, and she looks nice, too. This is the best performance so far. Randy gives her an A for effort, but didn’t love it. Paula talks and it doesn’t matter. Simon thought it was “copy-cat” but thinks she deserves to be in the final 12.
LaKisha Jones. I guess they’re not using anyone’s last names in the film clips. She looks much better this week than last, although, in her black dress, her breasts honestly look like bowling balls. “I Have Nothing.” She’s amazing, per usual, although her eyes are kind of dead. Her aunt and mom are in the audience cheering and being adorable. Randy loved it. Paula was really disappointed and found it to be reminiscent of skit day at summer camp. Nah, Paula loved it. Simon loved it, and mentions that she looks “beautiful” tonight.
Gina Glocksen. All in her goth garb, complete with a see-through top and a pink bra. Very Hot Topic. “You Never Call Me When You’re Sober.” See, Gina, the reason Amy Lee can get away with this kind of shit is that her voice is out-of-this-world phenomenal. Yours is good, but it doesn’t hold up. She’s kind of got a Nikki McKibbin vibe tonight — yeah, that’s right, I made a Nikki McKibbin call — because she’s dressed for the rock-star part, but her vocals just aren’t there. Randy liked the “edge,” but thought there were pitch problems. Paula liked her and likes this style for her. Simon thought she looked comfortable for the first time, wasn’t impressed with the vocals, but hopes she moves on. Gina is crying happy tears. Ryan’s all like, “Your boyfriend has Pickle on his chest right now,” which is in reference to a small stuffed animal she uses as a good luck charm, but taken out of context that’s just not something you want to hear.
Melinda Doolittle. Ha. In her film clip she talks about how she’s OCD (”equal opportunity,” as she calls it), because she has to chew on both sides of her mouth equally, step on cracks equally, etc. I love her even more now, because I am the same way. “I’m a Woman.” This is a great song for her. I love love love her. I love her so much I might actually vote tonight. She walks to the back of the stage and plays off the background singers, which is awesome of her, and something she understands because she used to do background vocals. The crowd is going nuts. Randy is obsessed with her. Paula is almost in tears herself. “You little tiger,” says Simon. I love when he flirts with her, it’s so cute. Simon adores her.
Who goes home tomorrow? Jordin and Haley, probably. But Gina and Antonella shouldn’t sleep tonight either. Everyone else will be fine.
