The first eight minutes are a recap. That’s brutal.

Then they all come out singing “Joy to the World?” Lord, do they hate us? This was a bad song when it came out. It was a bad song the day after. It’s a bad song now too and the Idol kids aren’t making it any better. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me. There, now it’s in your head too.

Next up, elimination time. The guys are on the spot. Chris Sligh and Sundance Head are going to be back for more. Blake the beatboxer is safe. Seacrest brings the tall guy, Jared, down to the floor but then tells him he’s safe. Oh Seacrest, you and your little games.

Then, without warning, Nick is going home! Who is Nick? I don’t remember him. Hmmm, maybe that’s why he’s headed home. All the judges tell him he shouldn’t kill himself. Yet. He sings “Fever.” Whatever.

It’s the girls’ time to fret. Stephanie (Beyonce) is safe. Gina is safe. Sabrina is safe. The little sparkplug Melinda is safe. Alaina is going home! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Sigh. I found her very cute and perhaps even a little clever. Time for her to sing us out. Oh no, she’s breaking up captain, we’ve got tears. PAINFUL. SHE CAN’T SING THROUGH THE TEARS!!!

Oh wow. I really am in pain. The background singers chime in, but it’s all silence from her, she’s just hugging all her fellow gals who have joined her on stage to save her. So BRUTAL. She starts singing again. American Idol, you fuckers. I knew this would happen eventually, how can you ask someone to sing after you’ve shattered them? Plus, why make them sing the song that got them booted? Yikes, thank God that is over.

The guy who won 10k from the Idol cell phone scam looks like he escaped from the zoo.

PICKLER time! She has short hair and a boob job. Is it a crazy style bra? Moving on. Wow, she looks way different. We’ve determined that she either had work done or she’s gotten fatter. She’s also doing a comedy bit with Ryan about sushi. This is bad news, she’s been produced and destroyed. Poor Pickler. The real her didn’t survive, plus, based on her singing, she’d be about 17th this year.

Guy death time. Got to be Sanjaya right? He’s got an odd asexual weirdo jacko vibe going. I’m convinced with the right producer they could make something of him. He’s too strange to not be famous. But wait, AJ Tabaldo gets the boot! The human chia pet is down, and he shares a strange hug with Sanjaya. Hey wait a sec, I know what’s going on here, his last name is Tabaldo. Idol hates Latinos right?

Okay, final death of the evening. Will the hooker go home? With her pouty lips and her photogenic smile? Let’s see. Antonella, Jordin, and Leslie step to the front of the stage. Antonella is safe. Leslie is going home. Crap. She was my other favorite, I kid you not. Why do voters not like the quirky people? Leslie was a little off, and I liked that. Gina is balling, clearly she was buds with Leslie.

I’m now a man without an Idol. I don’t know where to put my allegiance. I’m a free agent.

I think I’m throwing in with Sanjaya because I get this awful feeling that if he loses his life will take a turn where he will EAT people after he murders them.

Crap, I’m now resorting to caps for punchlines.

Time to go to bed.

I’ll be honest with you: I stopped following this Anna Nicole thing about a week ago. I’m peripherally aware that the forces of Birkhead, Stern and Arthur have continued to catfight in courtrooms across the nation, but once we lost Judge Seidlin, I lost interest. He was the most entertaining thing about this story for awhile. But I’m happy to report that, three weeks after her death, these crazy kids have opted to bury their “beloved” friend/client/daughter/paycheck/lover/kinda-sorta-wife in the Bahamas, with her son, which it has always been painfully clear were her wishes.

Anna will be buried tomorrow in a Pol Atteu custom-made gown, with an “over the top” memorial service. The guest list will be closely guarded: Birkhead, Arthur and Stern were each allowed to invite 100 people and no more. The memorial service will also include singing by a well-known performer whose name no one will disclose (Kellie Pickler? Fingers crossed.), and will most likely be closed-casket, because, you know, this woman’s been decomposing rapidly since sometime in 1998.

And for those of you who are thrilled that this is finally over, remember, we’ve got a long and arduous paternity fight still ahead of us.

Farewell to you, Vickie Hogan, and may you rest in peace.

Britney Spears was spotted leaving an AA meeting wearing her wedding ring which has led many to speculate that perhaps Kevin and her are heading towards a reconciliation. Kevin has been a visitor to Promises in Malibu where Britney is in rehab. Since Britney’s decent into crazy, Kevin has been taking care of his babies and also has been a stand-up guy not speaking with the media or attacking Britney’s behavior.

Though I think that his silence might be financially motivated, Kevin really has come out of all of this as a good guy. I honestly think that Kevin loves Britney and probably is very frightened by her behavior. Though Britney had some fashionable clothing choices while dating K-Fed it looks like her crazy wasn’t caused by Kevin. Perhaps Kevin actually kept her in check of a while.

Though I might kick myself for saying this…I think it is a good idea for these two to get back together, take care of their kids and *gasp* act like actual responsible adults.

I’m so sick and tired of all of these young former child stars turned hard partying starlets getting pregnant when they are in their early 20s. Even if they feel really old and mature because they were making millions at the age that we all were attempting to take our SATs it doesn’t mean that they are ready to bring children into the world.

The latest victim to the “ya, kids will TOTALLY calm me down” curse is Charlotte Church. Remember that cute little Welsh girl who put out “Voice of an Angel.” Everyone fawned over her and as she grew older she became Britain’s version of Paris Hilton. Followed everywhere by the tabloids Charlotte also, after taking up heavy drinking and smoking, decided that she was going to have a pop career. Though she was a moderate success Charlotte took a break from singing to become a talk show host.

Charlotte has also been quite popular for his romantic escapades as well. After a few high profile relationships Charlotte began to date Gavin Henson, a popular professional Rugby player. After dating now for 2 years they have announced that they are having a baby together.

Charlotte is 21 and she and Gavin (or Gav as she calls him) are not married but they have come out saying that they are thrilled about their upcoming baby.

“For reasons of privacy, Charlotte has chosen not to comment on this matter, other than to confirm that she and her boyfriend, Gavin Henson, are delighted. In an ideal world, we would not have made this announcement so early in the pregnancy. However, due to recent speculation and persistent questions from the media about this most private of matters, Charlotte felt she had no choice other than to go public and she was keen to ensure that her fans had the opportunity to read the truth here first. Gav is the one, he is my fella and I want to have his children.”

The reason that the media was speculating about her pregnancy was not due to a “bump watch” but actually because at her recent birthday party she didn’t touch a drop of booze. Since she is quite the drinker this was such a shocking thing that the only obvious reason to her sobriety was pregnancy.

Paris Hilton, who has offically earned her nickname “celebutard,” is facing up to 3 months in prison after driving on a suspended license. Paris wasn’t supposed to be driving after being convicted of alcohol-related reckless driving and given 36 months probation. Of course not only did she drive, but she also decided to drive her brand-new Bentley Continental GTC without her headlights on.

The Los Angeles City Attorney’s Office is all over this. I think that they should make an example out of Miss Hilton. Drinking and driving isn’t cool, and when a normal person violates their probation they get thrown in the slammer.

“Once our office is able to verify that Miss Hilton was driving, we will request that the court revoke her probation and set a probation violation hearing,” said Nick Velasquez, spokesman for the city Attorney’s Office.

If Paris Hilton went to jail somehow order would be restored in the universe. Britney’s hair would grow back, Whitney Houston would put out a rocking new album, Lindsay Lohan’s hair would turn red again and “Mean Girls: The Bitches Strike Back” would become a reality.

Come on Paris, Martha Stewart did it. Jail. So hot right now.
[source]

Almost every headline associated with the Anna Nicole Smith hostage situation (I’m sick of saying “saga” and “ordeal”) reaches new heights of silliness. These guys hit the silliness clouds and then they hit the afterburners.

Here’s the latest headline: “Smith to have ‘over the top’ memorial”

Over the Top was a really good movie in 1987 where Sly Stallone has to win an arm wrestling competition to get his son back (I think) but it is not a great tone to set for a funeral in my humble opinion. Perhaps dignified? Or somber maybe? How about “celebrating the life of Anna Nicole?” No, you’re right, let’s send in the clowns. Can we have the casket delivered on a flaming Harley? What about California governor Arnie involved somehow?

More fun with pull quotes:
The memorial service will feature large amounts of pink flowers, her favorite color, and singing from a well-known performer whose name organizers aren’t ready to disclose.

Her hellish momma said “Of course it will be over the top because it’s Anna Nicole.”

The singer better be Wayne Newton. I will accept nothing less. Tacky 4 life!

All of the factual fun comes from AP of Nassau, Bahamas. Good work guys.

He said:

“When I initially committed to joining Dancing With the Stars, I didn’t realize just how physically demanding it would be for me.”

Well, if you look at him he looks like he would be able to dance about as well as my left buttock, which is to say not very well (because I’m right buttocked).

Adios you giant lady bidness!

Full story here.